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Arch-type

2011-07-05T09:59:00.000Z

Nagasaki, 1945, after the Atomic Bomb:

Nagasaki, 2011, after the Earthquake and Tsunami:

My question is, "What the feck is that arch made of?"

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My Royal Wedding Support Pack

2011-03-08T12:20:00.000Z

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Irish Stereotype Time...

2011-02-14T12:09:00.000Z

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do ye want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do ye want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. Ye mean to tell me that when ye die ye don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes, right enough. I thought ye were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did ye see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He asks, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper asks, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that makes for a change! What did she say?'

'Come out from under the bed, ye feckin' chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his arse. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of sticking plasters and began putting one as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty plaster box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with a searing pain in both his head and arse and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were feckin' drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why d'ye say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes.

But mostly, it's all those feckin' plasters stuck on the hall mirror.'

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Bonked on the Head...

2011-02-14T11:55:00.000Z

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" - Billy Connolly.

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1 H8FL Owner, GSOH...

2011-02-14T11:48:00.000Z

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Node Corrode

No Postal Code...

2011-02-09T14:36:00.000Z

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten and can't find his Mother. So he heads upstairs and opens her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he discovers his Dad stripped naked on top of his Mum,also naked, and both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asks, "Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?"

Dad thinks for a second, "Of course Son, we're a family."

After a couple more minutes his Mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

"Hang on tight Daddy!" cries Mikey, "This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

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Chrome Domes

2011-02-09T14:31:00.000Z

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel testicles? Sparky.

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Matrimony-mony

2011-02-08T13:44:00.000Z

A man will pay $2 for an item that costs $1 if he wants it.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man can forget his past mistakes: there's no reason for two people to keep track of the same things.

A woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Node Corrode

Premature Valentine Leakage...

2011-02-04T11:54:00.000Z

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Impermanence of youth

2011-02-04T10:33:00.000Z

from SMBC
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Love, Glove

2011-02-04T10:01:00.000Z

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note ... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

Node Corrode

Cattus quod Canis Ephemeris

2011-02-04T09:51:00.000Z

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was place in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

Node Corrode

I'm Batman!

2011-02-02T10:44:00.000Z

Borrowed from the excellent ShortPacked online comic. If you like comics, movies, movies about comics, comics about movies, toys from movies or movies about toys, then it's a good place to be.

Node Corrode

Aids for the forgetful

2011-02-02T10:29:00.002Z

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at the central LABCORP Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"OMG! That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Government Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Node Corrode

Them's the brakes...

2011-02-02T10:05:00.000Z

A hip, wealthy young dude goes out and buys himself the best car available: a Bugatti Veyron 16.4.

It is the most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back just under £1 million. He takes it out for a spin and after a short while, has to stop for a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young dude replies: "A Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost me £1 million, man."

"That sure is a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why's it cost so much?

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a little look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting... closer...

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - WHOOOSSSHH! - something whips by him, moving at an even greater speed.

"What the hell could be going faster than my Veyron?" the young dude asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him...

WHOOOSSSHH!

It speeds by again, now heading in the opposite direction.

And... it almost looked like.. the old man on the moped.

"Couldn't be!" thinks the dude. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"

Then, again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror.

WHOOOSSSHHKa-BbblaMMM!

It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man jumps out, and, sweet baby Cheebus, it is the old man!

Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the now dying old man and says, "You're hurt really badly! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies "You sure could sonny. Could'ya unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"

Node Corrode

I'm guano ask - did you ordure a mechanic?

2011-02-02T09:45:00.001Z

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible...

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes, enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a sputter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.

Luckily she had her cell phone with her and after a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait, she saw a bright shiny yellow truck pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look."

He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Node Corrode

Ever witnessed so many Rebuttals, Indictments, and total Intestate Arsons?

2011-02-02T09:35:00.000Z

Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.

What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

You're trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
Lipstick.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.

Node Corrode

2011-02-02T09:14:00.000Z

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,

"All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because
we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son,

"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen..."

Node Corrode

Asssorted flavour...

2011-02-01T12:08:00.000Z

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of sweets and said,
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored sweets, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Mummy probably calls your Daddy all the time."

Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

Node Corrode

Lucky 13

2011-01-31T11:36:00.001Z

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy bitch busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said,“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently, Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes… I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Survfailed

2011-01-25T13:02:00.001Z

Last month a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Dipsoluded

2011-01-24T09:54:00.001Z

Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."

Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

And now for something completely different...

2010-01-14T10:24:00.001Z

Hello all,

I'll be spending a year dead for Tax reasons. See you in 2011.

Lui.

There'S Nout wrong with Swine Flu..

2009-10-28T09:50:00.002Z

Some more colourful names for the virus:

Hogthrax
Spamthrax
Tuporkulosis
Porklio
Hogmumps
Pigfluenza
Mad Sow Disease
Sowbola
Sowmonella
Spammonella
Bacon AIDS
Bacon Fever
Whooping Oink
Oinking Pneumonia
Buboinking Pork

and my favourite, Hamthrax.

And if the end of the world comes about, we might just experience:

The Aporkalypse
Hognarok

(Borrowed from: http://www.schlockmercenary.com )

On Life

2009-09-04T08:47:00.002Z

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the pavement.

Is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger, and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. There must be complete silence in the first few minutes to make sure everyone hears the opening lines, and then I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing/frowning/mouth gaping at the right parts.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I don’t think I will ever master it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Too often I find crisps/biscuits/left over dinner appealing.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete tool. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to a lawyer and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Big Trak Robotic Truck that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" ? Never getting washed.

I hate being the one with the remote, in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will theyjudge me if I keep it on?

I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring: "Hello? Dammit!" But when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something that she hasn't already told me, but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone, just so I know not to answer when they call.

Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

The other night I ordered takeaway. When I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b*stard before dinner.

Beaut Camp.

2009-08-26T09:35:00.002Z

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far southwest of Queensland.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's easy-peasy!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

Did you use a rubber? Check.

2009-08-26T09:25:00.001Z

Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."

Butt of the joke

2009-07-15T08:08:00.001Z

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet?

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

On Colonoscopies - "Butt I feel fine Doc!"

2009-07-15T08:06:00.001Z

From Dave Barry's experiences.

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.

You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)

Then you have to drink the whole jug.

This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.

I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.

There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.

You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.

You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.

I was very nervous.

Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.

I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?

Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.

Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of hose hospital garments designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.

Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.

Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.

You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist.

I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.

I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.

If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea.

Really.

I slept through it.

One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.

I felt excellent.

I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

I visited Cannes and made quite an impact...

2009-05-22T08:04:00.002Z

Scottish Pearl-ance

2009-03-25T02:16:00.002Z

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.

What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.

A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'

Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.

Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' and an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly bastard.

Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called 'The Aw' Needin' Line'.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...'

Deer God, For Crismas I wood like...

2007-09-19T09:41:00.000Z

Holy Matrimony, Batman!

2007-07-10T14:32:00.000Z

Viz Top Tips

2007-06-05T15:03:00.000Z

Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you can't and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.

Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

DON'T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

OLD contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.

International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.

KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.

FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

Lady Pillows & Insanitary Towels

2007-03-20T11:03:00.000Z

Pulled a frigid bird...

2007-03-12T09:12:00.000Z

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the Seven Dwarfs,
they are quickly ushered in to see the Pope, with Grumpy leading the pack.

"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,
Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe".

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor,
tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting:

"Grumpy screwed a Penguin! Grumpy screwed a Penguin!"

Woman's World

2007-02-13T11:35:00.000Z

Paying Through The Ass...

2007-01-31T13:30:00.000Z

Return To The One Liners.

2007-01-26T08:36:00.000Z

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue.", I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle.", the bloke said "Kenwood", I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest."

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow.

Tiny Tot Trio

2007-01-26T08:32:00.000Z

Aircraft Maintenance: "Pain-In-The-Ass"

2007-01-26T08:13:00.000Z

The photo below shows details of a crack in a US Airways DC-9 window. Regular fliers would be advised that they should be beware of the potential for sub-standard maintenance on the airplanes that they fly on.

Even at the distance that the shot was taken, the crack is clearly visible within the window pane of the fifth window from the left, and has a regular top to bottom patterning, with separate spots around this.

It makes you wonder about the bums associated with aircraft maintenance and the cheek that some of them have claiming skills in this area.

Perhaps I'm being somewhat anal about this, but when it comes to flight safety, there is no such thing as too careful and you really don't want some total arse dumping on you and spoiling things.

Anyway, I've waxed lyrical about this (perhaps with a touch of verbal diarrhea) so I'll let the picture speak for itself.

If anyone can, Canon can.

2007-01-25T13:22:00.000Z

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!”

More from the mouths of babes...

2007-01-25T13:14:00.000Z

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Straight away one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mum, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

Meanwhile, back in reality, where children aren't all so cute and precocious...

Showering Instructions for Men & Women

2007-01-25T13:09:00.000Z

How to Shower Like a Woman.

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake Willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your Willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire Willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and! fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake Willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

More Helpdesk Calls

2007-01-25T13:07:00.000Z

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '24X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off.

My Favourites Family Wedding Shots...

2007-01-25T13:01:00.000Z

I thought I'd share some of my favourite family photos from my personal collection, as a kind of 'get to know me better' sharing thing...

It's in the detail...

2007-01-25T12:59:00.000Z

The Beer Prayer

2007-01-25T12:57:00.000Z

Got it in for blondes?

2007-01-25T12:51:00.000Z

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter.

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?

There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order
to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames.

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The
clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold".

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.

"What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blonde replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls". Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one
thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Walmart?"

Lui's Horoscopes*

2007-01-25T12:48:00.000Z

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance

*Stolen courtesy of Adam Sandler

Tae a fart

2007-01-25T12:18:00.000Z

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There starts to stir an enormous wind.

The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
Start workin like a gentle breeze,
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place.

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae,
A'body's gonn hae tae pay,
Even if ye try to stifle,
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.

Hawed yer bum tight tae the chair,
Tae try and stop the leakin air,
Shift hersel fae cheek tae cheek
Pray tae God it doesnae leak.

But aw yer efforts go asunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder,
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me! A sonic boom!

God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvne shit ma breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw, whit the hell, it's no my worry.

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or twa are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile.

Wis him! I shout with accusin glower,
Alas! Too late he's just keeled ower.
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare,
A feel welcome nae mair.

Were e're ye go, let yer wind gang free,
Sounds like just the job for me,
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's party
Ower the sake o wan wee farty!

Baby, it's cauld inside...

2007-01-25T12:17:00.000Z

A wee Glesga wumman goes intae a butcher shoap, where the butcher has just came oot the freezer, and is standing haunds ahint his back, with his erse aimed at an electric fire.

The wee wumman checks oot the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"

"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's ah'm heatin'.

You know you are a true Scot if...

2007-01-25T12:12:00.000Z

1. Ye can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, Sauchiehall St, St Enoch, Auchtermuchty and Aufurfuksake.

2. Ye actually like deep fried battered pizza fae the chippie.

3. Yer used tae four seasons in wan day.

4. Ye canna pass a chip/kebab shop withoot sleverin when yer blootert.

5. Ye kin fall about pished withoot spilling yer drink.

6. Ye see people wearin shell suits with burberry accessories - pure class!

7. Ye measure distance in minutes.

8. Ye kin understaun Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like him, in yer ain family.

9. Ye go tae Saltcoats cos ye think it is like gaun tae the ocean.

10. Ye kin make hael sentences jist wae sweer wurds.

11. Ye know whit haggis is made ae and stull like eating it.

12. Somedy ye know his used a fitba schedule tae plan thur wedding day date.

13. You've been at a wedding and fitba scores are announced in the Church/Chapel.

14. Ye urny surprised tae find curries, pizzas, kebabs, fish n chips, iron-bru, fags and nappies all in the wan shop.

15. Yer holiday home at the seaside has calor gas under it.

16. Ye know irn-bru is a hangover cure.

17. Ye learnt tae sweer afore ye learnt tae dae sums.

18. Ye actually understand this and yurr gonnae send it tae yer pals.

19. Finally, you are 100% Scot if you have ever said or heard these words or phrases:

How's it hingin?
Clatty
Boggin
Cludgie
Pished
Get it up ye
Wee beasties
Erse bandit
Amurny
Away an bile yer heid
Peely-wally
Humphey backit
Ba'-heid
Baw bag
Dubble nugget
Munter Hunter
Bawbag

The biggest gob in the world. Probably.

2007-01-25T12:09:00.000Z

Jade's new contract after her Big Brother antics...

Things smell sweet for Big Brother Celeb Jade...

2007-01-25T12:04:00.000Z

Jade and Shilpi make up - no more racist comments from she...

Lucky Day In Hell Part 3

2007-01-25T09:44:00.000Z

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to have to let someone else go."

"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you'll have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George shouted. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long".

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Dick Cheney with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and over, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder, and I would be in constant agony if I had to break rocks all day", commented George.

The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

American Zero-On-Aire...

2007-01-22T13:15:00.000Z

American Woman Goes Home Empty Headed... er... Handed.

Scam Warning

2007-01-19T13:33:00.000Z

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close miss yesterday. I went to B&Q on my way home from work, and as I walked in some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Report Retort

2007-01-17T14:57:00.000Z

Further Signs Of Life...

2006-12-14T10:35:00.000Z

Young Man, There's No Need To Feel Down...

2006-12-05T16:04:00.000Z

Forty Things I've Learned From Movies

2006-11-20T15:13:00.000Z

Updated since my last post Twenty Things I've Learned From Movies , here are some Forty (and a bit) things I've now learned:

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard . . .

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don't mind at all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say "Hello" or "Goodbye" when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying "Hello? Hello?" repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (it's called Stallone's Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren't liked and would never get invited to parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

41. When a wrongly accused fugitive walks into a bar, it is guaranteed that the TV will interrupt its usual broadcast to show the picture of the fugitive and mention how dangerous he/she is. The bartender or some other patron will do a double take and see only the door swinging in the wake as our hero rushes away.

42. The biggest nerd in high school, having lusted after the hottest girl for one hour and twenty minutes will be pleasantly surprised when she realises how sensitive he is and breaks up with her buff jock boyfriend for him on the night of the prom/dance/enchantment under the sea ball.

43. Whilst hiding in that air duct, it will be completely free of dust, well lit and look as though it was built yesterday. If you are a girl, at least one mouse or rat will squeak by.

44. The emergency phone in the elevator never works thus forcing our hero to use that ever handy trap door in the roof.

A Blonde's Year in Review

2006-11-15T13:39:00.000Z

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Hello! Bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited. Finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours because the power went out.

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid. Wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Tried to go water skiing but couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later, the other swimmers cheated and used their arms.

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm and car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C" - isn't it?

October - Hate M & M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days - instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911 - duh! There's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone.

A Man's Life... In Pictures.

2006-11-15T13:36:00.000Z

Before Marriage...

...after marriage...

...after the divorce.

Fishy Photo Story

2006-11-15T13:29:00.000Z

Health Q & A

2006-11-15T13:23:00.000Z

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and then that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain... Good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not. When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Hello! Cocoa beans - another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: 'Round' is a shape.

I saw this, and I thought of you...

2006-11-10T10:13:00.000Z

A Badge for every bad mood.

Falkirk Fat Flat TV...

2006-11-10T09:06:00.000Z

Take a peek at this sleek, chic..

...freak.

When Bodily Functions Go Bad

2006-11-09T14:43:00.000Z

The Devil's In The Detail

2006-11-08T15:43:00.000Z

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the 'R'. We missed the 'R'."

His forehead is bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What error did you find, Father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'CELEBRATE'"

Signs of Life

2006-11-07T10:50:00.000Z

Hallelujah & Praise God: More Groovy Record Covers!

2006-11-07T10:46:00.000Z

Good for you. Take it where you can get it... even from fat, childlike freaks.

I can certainly smell it...

A band apart...

Someone else is about to get lucky... too late. Shot off on the court.

A rarity. The first example of Zombie Gospel.

It'll never catch on. Never. How gay is that Dog? Have their faces been altered to protect the innocent? Are all gays so two-dimensional?

But not too slowly...

Revenge of the Zombie Gospel. Sounds like Jesus will need a change of pants.

Spreading God's good word... about perverts.

I think this guy's gonna get raptured too.

Tooth Decay or Punch In The Mouth from a world class boxer? Explains the gap toothed look so popular in the seventies.

Gospel Singers and their erections.

Good News! Even brain damaged, habitual drug users can become Preachers of the Faith!

Wood you believe Heather Mills? McCartney Vs McCartney

2006-11-01T12:00:00.000Z

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his Wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long", she said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "and she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would eve consider going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

Meanwhile in international news, a miner in Africa has had an accident and lost a leg. He reportedly said to his colleague "I'm screwed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His friend advised: "Try Paul McCartney."

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her shoe.

More marital advice for the little lady

2006-10-27T09:25:00.000Z

Married couple, a lovely pair.

2006-10-27T09:24:00.000Z

Ah, craps.

2006-10-27T09:22:00.000Z

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

For our American Friends, just insert Bush into Blair...

2006-10-27T09:10:00.000Z

Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The Teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"

Have you seen this News Presenter?

2006-10-27T09:07:00.000Z

Comin' right at-choo...

2006-10-23T15:32:00.000Z

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious: "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

For the little lady at home...

2006-10-19T14:11:00.000Z

Genital Hospital

2006-10-18T11:07:00.000Z

When makeup goes bad...

2006-10-17T12:56:00.000Z

Light A Million Candles

2006-10-16T10:00:00.000Z

One of the few times you'll see anything serious on this blog, so you know i mean business.

"The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can. With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support at www.lightamillioncandles.com

We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.

Please light your candle at www.lightamillioncandles.com or send an email of support to light@lightamillioncandles.com.

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

Kindly forward this link to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too."

There, that didn't hurt did it? Go click.

This one's a real cracker!

2006-10-13T15:44:00.000Z

Vegetable Matter

2006-10-13T08:57:00.000Z

Updated Roadsign Designs Released

2006-10-13T08:54:00.000Z

Gran Jacked

2006-10-12T16:25:00.000Z

In The Garden of Eden...

2006-10-12T09:06:00.000Z

God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and you will find a cave."

And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a cave?"

So God explained unto Adam exactly what a cave was. Then God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve."

And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a woman called Eve?"

So God explained unto Adam exactly what a woman called Eve was. Then God said unto Adam "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top, and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve. Go and fornicate with her in order to reproduce."

And Adam said unto God, "God, what is fornicate and reproduce?"

So God explained very patiently unto Adam exactly what fornicate and reproduce were. Then God commanded Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve, now go and fornicate and reproduce with her".

So off went Adam, across the river, up the hill, over the ridge and into the cave and met the woman called Eve. Five minutes later he was back.

And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a headache?"

Thank Feck It's Not Friday

2006-10-12T09:00:00.000Z

One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said. "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Adobe Pervert Announcement

2006-10-12T08:27:00.000Z

Crilly & Co

2006-10-11T14:24:00.000Z

A Priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a Sailor says "Whoa,look at the size of that fecker!"

"Hey, mind your language!" says the Priest.

Embarrassed, the Sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fecker fish."

Accepting the explanation, the Priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fecker" says the Priest, spotting the Bishop.

"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the Bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the Priest.

"Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fecker and we could have it for dinner".

So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.

"Could you cook this fecker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, Sister that's what the fish is called - a fecker, " says the Bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fecker tonight, as The Pope is coming for dinner."

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fecker!" says the Priest.

"And I cleaned the fecker!" says the Bishop.

"And I cooked the fecker!" says the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:

"You know what? You c*nts are alright."

Celebrity Autobiographys

2006-10-06T13:54:00.000Z

Bad taste warning...

Catching Some Rays AKA Granny's Leather Suit

2006-10-03T16:25:00.000Z

What's Dogging & Petting got in common with Star Wars?

2006-10-03T13:24:00.000Z

Due to strange popular demand... more dogs in togs.

Pick Up Mix Selection

2006-10-03T10:42:00.000Z

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Man: "Fat Penguin!"
Woman: "WHAT?"
Man: "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Are you a parking ticket cos you've got Fine written all over you.

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Post-It Pursuit

2006-10-03T09:19:00.000Z

Dog Togs Hog Blog

2006-10-03T08:34:00.000Z

And finally, we have the overwhelming evidence as to why...

Good Dogs Go Bad

Over Easy

2006-10-02T10:10:00.000Z

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast.

He walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they make sweet, sweet love.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken.

Vent Your Frustration, Utah Style.

2006-10-02T09:07:00.000Z

Allegedly a true story, from Utah...

A city councilman, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the lot below his house and built upon it, as you do.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city officials to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbour had some great arguments about this as you can imagine, but the end result was that his new neighbour had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city officials again, and informed them that his new
neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found...

Family Planning

2006-09-29T08:37:00.000Z