Air Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport,they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus," said Paddy, "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Right, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already," replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life.Shamus looked out the side window and replied:
"Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is."
25 Jul 2005
Shouting, Lager, Lager, Lager... Beer Drinking Advice
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
Re: Lie on in court?
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 3rd drink-driving ban.
Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen ?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT ?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Superintendent: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.
Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot ? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 3rd drink-driving ban.
Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen ?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT ?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Superintendent: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.
Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot ? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
It's a peach.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Sports Commentary - 02
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ rugby commentator)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)
(NZ rugby commentator)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)
Stirrup some game...
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his
head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his
head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
23 Jul 2005
22 Jul 2005
The Cream Of Mankind
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liv forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life…"
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to
keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, (then) Vice President of the USA
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
-George Bush, US President
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, Former US President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liv forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life…"
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to
keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, (then) Vice President of the USA
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
-George Bush, US President
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, Former US President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Top Life Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Cinderella in "No Balls This Time" shocker. Page 5
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince Charming, she happily nods gently in the sunshine upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a big black cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "My goodness, Fairy Godmother, I am happy to see you again. But what are you doing here after all these years"?
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella, overjoyed, uttered her first wish; "The Prince was a wonderful man, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my little widow's pension, so I wish I was extremely wealthy."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "Its the least that I can do. What do you want for your second
wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young again, full of the beauty and energy I once had."
Instantly, her wish became reality, and she was transformed, beautiful and vibrant again, with a surging desire for passion and love.
And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish Cinders; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, in a flash of white light, Bob underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful she gasped with delight and anticipation.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,her Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked longingly into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked slowly over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. As he kissed her gently, she stirred in anticipation. He leaned in closer, softly blowing her golden hair with his warm sweet breath.
And whispered in her ear...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "My goodness, Fairy Godmother, I am happy to see you again. But what are you doing here after all these years"?
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella, overjoyed, uttered her first wish; "The Prince was a wonderful man, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my little widow's pension, so I wish I was extremely wealthy."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "Its the least that I can do. What do you want for your second
wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young again, full of the beauty and energy I once had."
Instantly, her wish became reality, and she was transformed, beautiful and vibrant again, with a surging desire for passion and love.
And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish Cinders; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, in a flash of white light, Bob underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful she gasped with delight and anticipation.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,her Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked longingly into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked slowly over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. As he kissed her gently, she stirred in anticipation. He leaned in closer, softly blowing her golden hair with his warm sweet breath.
And whispered in her ear...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
21 Jul 2005
More Truths aka What The F*ck?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game," when they are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game," when they are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Teenage Kicks
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise.
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.
He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here? A few yards further on and ...
BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd. A few yards further along the street and ....
CRASH
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can, still nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female.
With his dying breath he gasps "Who the hell are you?"
"Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.
He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here? A few yards further on and ...
BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd. A few yards further along the street and ....
CRASH
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can, still nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female.
With his dying breath he gasps "Who the hell are you?"
"Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
Now And Zen
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
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