A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
28 Jul 2005
Nelson's Exhausted Parts
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. 'You sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. 'You sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
Signs O' The Times
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a pediatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again"
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a pediatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again"
Sports Commentary - 03
"The team has come along slow but fast."
-- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
-- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
-- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
-- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
-- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
-- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
Doctor, Doctor, Please!
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Last Words (Last Rites)
"I'll get a world record for this."
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
27 Jul 2005
Anger Management
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Lui. Could I please speak with Bill Bailey?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ck*ng number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Bill's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Eddie Izzard from Terra Nova. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Paisley. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar5ehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" But I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the local News channel about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Paisley.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
I politely said, "This is Lui. Could I please speak with Bill Bailey?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ck*ng number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Bill's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Eddie Izzard from Terra Nova. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Paisley. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar5ehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" But I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the local News channel about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Paisley.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
25 Jul 2005
Cunning Lingos
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WANK SÉANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WANK SÉANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
There's A Pattern To It...
Yesterday, I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me:
"I can never repay your kindness sir, I notice that you are Scottish, so I will give a word of advice for you and your friends. Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Paisley."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir", he whispered back "It's a shit-hole.
He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me:
"I can never repay your kindness sir, I notice that you are Scottish, so I will give a word of advice for you and your friends. Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Paisley."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir", he whispered back "It's a shit-hole.
Don't get Testy
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
Chant Number One
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.
"Thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
"Thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
Road To Mandalay
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while.The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse."
However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while.The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse."
Squids In
A man goes into this pub with an octopus under his arm.
"I'll wager £50 my octopus can play any musical instrument in the world, " says he.
The clientele's ears prick up and they agree to the wager. "Bring it on," says the man.
Someone produces a harmonica and quick as a flash the octopus is playing a ditty that would have shamed Bob Dylan. The stakes are raised to £100 and someone brings out a banjo from a bag. With no effort at all the octopus is making like George Formby and the crowd are agog! Next comes a Senegalese thumb piano, the talented invertebrate has no problem with this and it's like Youssou N'Dour is in the pub!
The wager is then raised to £1000 by a rather posh man with an Edinburgh accent. "I'll bet he can't play THESE!" says he and produces a set of bagpipes. The crowd gasp.
The octopus looks confused and turns the bagpies over in his tentacles for some minutes before the Edinburgh gent finally says "Get on and play it, laddy!"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "I'm going to shag it as soon as I get it's pyjamas off."
"I'll wager £50 my octopus can play any musical instrument in the world, " says he.
The clientele's ears prick up and they agree to the wager. "Bring it on," says the man.
Someone produces a harmonica and quick as a flash the octopus is playing a ditty that would have shamed Bob Dylan. The stakes are raised to £100 and someone brings out a banjo from a bag. With no effort at all the octopus is making like George Formby and the crowd are agog! Next comes a Senegalese thumb piano, the talented invertebrate has no problem with this and it's like Youssou N'Dour is in the pub!
The wager is then raised to £1000 by a rather posh man with an Edinburgh accent. "I'll bet he can't play THESE!" says he and produces a set of bagpipes. The crowd gasp.
The octopus looks confused and turns the bagpies over in his tentacles for some minutes before the Edinburgh gent finally says "Get on and play it, laddy!"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "I'm going to shag it as soon as I get it's pyjamas off."
Jumped Up Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Shelling Out
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
The Small Ads
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GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: One.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
Pregnant Conversation
A Glasgow woman dials 999 and requests an ambulance. The operator enquires as to the nature of the emergency and the woman replies that she is pregnant.
"Madam, you can't have an ambulance just because you are pregnant" replies the operator.
"Aye I know" says the woman "but ma waters have burst!".
"Oh, right well that's a different matter" says the operator "Where are you ringing from?"
Woman replies, "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet."
"Madam, you can't have an ambulance just because you are pregnant" replies the operator.
"Aye I know" says the woman "but ma waters have burst!".
"Oh, right well that's a different matter" says the operator "Where are you ringing from?"
Woman replies, "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet."
Flight of Fancy?
I was in the Heathrow airport VIP lounge en-route to Glasgow a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
Obviously, he had been in London for his Live8 concert appearance.
I was meeting a business colleague who was also flying to Glasgow, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi Lui,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my colleague showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi Lui," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Obviously, he had been in London for his Live8 concert appearance.
I was meeting a business colleague who was also flying to Glasgow, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi Lui,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my colleague showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi Lui," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A Wealth of Intellect
Family Fortunes answers...
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Royal Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Royal Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
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