Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was place in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
Node Corrode
4 Feb 2011
2 Feb 2011
I'm Batman!
Borrowed from the excellent ShortPacked online comic. If you like comics, movies, movies about comics, comics about movies, toys from movies or movies about toys, then it's a good place to be.
Node Corrode
Aids for the forgetful
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at the central LABCORP Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"OMG! That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Government Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Node Corrode
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at the central LABCORP Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"OMG! That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Government Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Node Corrode
Them's the brakes...
A hip, wealthy young dude goes out and buys himself the best car available: a Bugatti Veyron 16.4.
It is the most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back just under £1 million. He takes it out for a spin and after a short while, has to stop for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young dude replies: "A Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost me £1 million, man."
"That sure is a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why's it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a little look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting... closer...
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - WHOOOSSSHH! - something whips by him, moving at an even greater speed.
"What the hell could be going faster than my Veyron?" the young dude asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him...
WHOOOSSSHH!
It speeds by again, now heading in the opposite direction.
And... it almost looked like.. the old man on the moped.
"Couldn't be!" thinks the dude. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Then, again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror.
WHOOOSSSHHKa-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and, sweet baby Cheebus, it is the old man!
Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the now dying old man and says, "You're hurt really badly! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "You sure could sonny. Could'ya unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"
Node Corrode
It is the most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back just under £1 million. He takes it out for a spin and after a short while, has to stop for a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young dude replies: "A Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost me £1 million, man."
"That sure is a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why's it cost so much?
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a little look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting... closer...
He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly - WHOOOSSSHH! - something whips by him, moving at an even greater speed.
"What the hell could be going faster than my Veyron?" the young dude asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him...
WHOOOSSSHH!
It speeds by again, now heading in the opposite direction.
And... it almost looked like.. the old man on the moped.
"Couldn't be!" thinks the dude. "How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?"
Then, again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror.
WHOOOSSSHHKa-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The young man jumps out, and, sweet baby Cheebus, it is the old man!
Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the now dying old man and says, "You're hurt really badly! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies "You sure could sonny. Could'ya unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"
Node Corrode
I'm guano ask - did you ordure a mechanic?
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible...
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job.
An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes, enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a sputter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her cell phone with her and after a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait, she saw a bright shiny yellow truck pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look."
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Node Corrode
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job.
An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes, enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?
At that thought there was a sputter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong.
Luckily she had her cell phone with her and after a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait, she saw a bright shiny yellow truck pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look."
He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"
Node Corrode
Ever witnessed so many Rebuttals, Indictments, and total Intestate Arsons?
Why does the Law Society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You're trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
Lipstick.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
Node Corrode
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.
What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
You're trapped in a room with a Tiger, a Rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician?
Chelsea Clinton.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier?
Lipstick.
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
Node Corrode
A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said,
"All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because
we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen..."
Node Corrode
"All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because
we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you calm down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.
For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the
bitch in the kitchen..."
Node Corrode
1 Feb 2011
Asssorted flavour...
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of sweets and said,
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored sweets, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Mummy probably calls your Daddy all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
Node Corrode
"Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored sweets, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Mummy probably calls your Daddy all the time."
Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
Node Corrode
31 Jan 2011
Lucky 13
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy bitch busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said,“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently, Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes… I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy bitch busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said,“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently, Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes… I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
25 Jan 2011
Survfailed
Last month a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
24 Jan 2011
Dipsoluded
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
14 Jan 2010
And now for something completely different...
Hello all,
I'll be spending a year dead for Tax reasons. See you in 2011.
Lui.
I'll be spending a year dead for Tax reasons. See you in 2011.
Lui.
28 Oct 2009
There'S Nout wrong with Swine Flu..
Some more colourful names for the virus:
Hogthrax
Spamthrax
Tuporkulosis
Porklio
Hogmumps
Pigfluenza
Mad Sow Disease
Sowbola
Sowmonella
Spammonella
Bacon AIDS
Bacon Fever
Whooping Oink
Oinking Pneumonia
Buboinking Pork
and my favourite, Hamthrax.
And if the end of the world comes about, we might just experience:
The Aporkalypse
Hognarok
(Borrowed from: http://www.schlockmercenary.com )
Hogthrax
Spamthrax
Tuporkulosis
Porklio
Hogmumps
Pigfluenza
Mad Sow Disease
Sowbola
Sowmonella
Spammonella
Bacon AIDS
Bacon Fever
Whooping Oink
Oinking Pneumonia
Buboinking Pork
and my favourite, Hamthrax.
And if the end of the world comes about, we might just experience:
The Aporkalypse
Hognarok
(Borrowed from: http://www.schlockmercenary.com )
4 Sept 2009
On Life
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the pavement.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger, and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. There must be complete silence in the first few minutes to make sure everyone hears the opening lines, and then I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing/frowning/mouth gaping at the right parts.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I don’t think I will ever master it.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Too often I find crisps/biscuits/left over dinner appealing.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete tool. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to a lawyer and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Big Trak Robotic Truck that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" ? Never getting washed.
I hate being the one with the remote, in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will theyjudge me if I keep it on?
I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring: "Hello? Dammit!" But when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something that she hasn't already told me, but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone, just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
The other night I ordered takeaway. When I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b*stard before dinner.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the pavement.
Is it just me, or are 80% of the faces in the "people you may know" feature on Facebook, people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
Sometimes I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger, and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. There must be complete silence in the first few minutes to make sure everyone hears the opening lines, and then I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's definitely watching and laughing/frowning/mouth gaping at the right parts.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? I don’t think I will ever master it.
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger. Too often I find crisps/biscuits/left over dinner appealing.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete tool. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to a lawyer and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Big Trak Robotic Truck that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" ? Never getting washed.
I hate being the one with the remote, in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will theyjudge me if I keep it on?
I hate it when I just miss a call by the last ring: "Hello? Dammit!" But when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something that she hasn't already told me, but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for paedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone, just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey, but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
The other night I ordered takeaway. When I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b*stard before dinner.
26 Aug 2009
Beaut Camp.
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far southwest of Queensland.
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's easy-peasy!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's easy-peasy!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila
Did you use a rubber? Check.
Judge to prostitute: "So when did you realize you were raped?"
Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."
Prostitute, wiping away tears: "When the cheque bounced."
15 Jul 2009
Butt of the joke
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet?
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet?
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out....'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
On Colonoscopies - "Butt I feel fine Doc!"
From Dave Barry's experiences.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of hose hospital garments designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.
Really.
I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep.
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug.
This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative.
I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently.
You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic.
I was very nervous.
Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.
I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of hose hospital garments designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthetist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said.
And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.
If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea.
Really.
I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
25 Mar 2009
Scottish Pearl-ance
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' and an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly bastard.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called 'The Aw' Needin' Line'.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...'
'Comfy?'asks the dentist.
'Govan,' she replies.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress.'
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box. So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.' and an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly bastard.
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called 'The Aw' Needin' Line'.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...'
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