A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nooo, I'll be all right? I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
20 Jul 2005
Post Labour Pain
Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time dealing with the pain. The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his
wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."
So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain
away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
wife so he decides they will try it.
The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says, "I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill I can handle this."
So the wife takes another pill. Same thing happens. Her husband tells her to take another pill. Same thing. By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband. She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing. He is convinced that women are complete wuses.
He tells her, "Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take all the pain
away." So she does. Now they are both feeling great.
A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy. The next day they take their newborn son home, and there they find the mailman dead on the doorstep.
Double Entendre
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say:
"Emma come-a-first.Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come-a-once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly."Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?!?"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
"Emma come-a-first.Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come-a-once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly."Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?!?"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.
Woodyisms
From the brain of Woody Allen
"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
How?
An Indian goes into a fancy restaurant and the Maitre'd asks the Indian, "Do you have a reservation?"
Wabbit
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
The shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:
"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a phuck!"
Dual Sex Dictionary
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve..
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male........Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female......An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male........A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female......The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve..
Male........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.........A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
Collars And Cuffs
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Helpdesk Calls
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute ... I hadn't inserted it yet ... it's still on my desk ... sorry ....
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
Customer: Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaahhhhh ... thank you.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: ...and now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support. May I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a", but how do I get the circle around it?
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. (*****)
Female customer: A white one.
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ..."
Customer: No ... wait a minute ... I hadn't inserted it yet ... it's still on my desk ... sorry ....
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
Customer: Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of
the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaahhhhh ... thank you.
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
Helpdesk: ...and now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8 times as you told me, but nothing's happening.
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry ... Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech Support. May I help you?
Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a", but how do I get the circle around it?
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. (*****)
Office Dares
1. During an important meeting , swing your chair around to face the window, prop your feet up on the window-sill, lean back in your chair with your hands behind your head, proclaiming: "Man I love this dirty town"
2. Put up badly cut out magazine pictures around your workstation of either David Hasselhoff or Vanessa Phelps, claiming it is your husband/wife
3. Give you P.C. a name and on entering work ask it in a soppy voice if it missed Mummy/Daddy
4. Hang a dog's lead on your coat stand and place a bowl of water in the corner of your office.
5. Scream in terror everytime your phone rings
6. Or... stare in an alarmed fashion at your phone when it rings, then after two or three rings start howling
7. Announce to everyone you are taking a break, get under your desk and hold a whispered conversation into your phone.
8. Email everyone in the office your day's plan, including wee breaks, number two breaks, the diversion you will be taking after lunch to eye up the bit of fluff in the Finance dept.
9. When on a conference call, at the end of all your comments say "Llleech, over" When the call comes to an end, tell everyone to "Be careful out there"
10. When your boss comes over to point out a mistake you have made, stick your fingers in your ears singing "La la la la"
11. Every now and then stand up and shout loudly: "That was me, sorry everyone"
12. Sit frozen in your chair, staring in alarm at your pc. When someone asks if your okay, tell them it just winked at you.
13. Drop flyers on everyone's desk, asking if they'd like a sleepover at yours.
14. Tell everyone it's your Birthday today, then tell them again tomorrow and so on for at least a week
15. Advertise your bosses brand new car on the notice board for about £200, adding his name and mobile number
16. When your answer your phone, pretend to be your answer phone saying loudly: I'm sorry I am not at my desk at the moment, however my boss is at his/hers and appears to be doing very little, bother him/her
17. Every time you get an email, clap delightedly. Telling everyone you love getting mail
18. After you've opened your email, gasp and stand up pulling your jacket open to shield your screen and keep glancing over your shoulder as you read it.
19. Include sound effects in your emails, Thus:
Hello Jack,
There will be a meeting next.... "ring ring" sorry excuse me, that's my phone. Sorry about that, I hung up. Anyway as I was saying the meeting will be...."Pharrrrpp!" Ooh, excuse me, how embarrasing, sorry, um right, yes the meeting will be...."AHHHHHHHHHHH CHOOOO" Bless me, I'm so sorry, oh I tell you what, I'll give you a ring.
20. Bring a child's trike into work and 'park' it by your desk.
21. Take visitors on a tour of the office, pointing out chairs, photocopiers, fax machines, the toilets, your boss (pulling a face and holding your nose).
22. Anytime anyone goes to use the photocopy run over screaming "I was on that"
23. On dress down days come in wearing dungarees, a check flannel shirt, stick an axe in your belt.
24. Open your lunch box at your desk, sigh heavily and ask if anyone likes horse/dog/peacock sandwiches.
25. When a colleague asks you to proof read a document, mark it in big red crosses and give them an F grade, adding a comment "Could do better"
26. Ring a colleague who is sitting on the next desk and whisper "When I give the command, we are going over the top" and hang up quickly
27. Ring your HR department and ask whether or not you could be fired if you stabbed your boss in the back of the neck with a broken bottle. When they confirm you would, yell s**t and hang up.
28. Slam your palm on the desk, and when everyone looks up, peer under your hand and ask 'What do vampire bats look like?'
2. Put up badly cut out magazine pictures around your workstation of either David Hasselhoff or Vanessa Phelps, claiming it is your husband/wife
3. Give you P.C. a name and on entering work ask it in a soppy voice if it missed Mummy/Daddy
4. Hang a dog's lead on your coat stand and place a bowl of water in the corner of your office.
5. Scream in terror everytime your phone rings
6. Or... stare in an alarmed fashion at your phone when it rings, then after two or three rings start howling
7. Announce to everyone you are taking a break, get under your desk and hold a whispered conversation into your phone.
8. Email everyone in the office your day's plan, including wee breaks, number two breaks, the diversion you will be taking after lunch to eye up the bit of fluff in the Finance dept.
9. When on a conference call, at the end of all your comments say "Llleech, over" When the call comes to an end, tell everyone to "Be careful out there"
10. When your boss comes over to point out a mistake you have made, stick your fingers in your ears singing "La la la la"
11. Every now and then stand up and shout loudly: "That was me, sorry everyone"
12. Sit frozen in your chair, staring in alarm at your pc. When someone asks if your okay, tell them it just winked at you.
13. Drop flyers on everyone's desk, asking if they'd like a sleepover at yours.
14. Tell everyone it's your Birthday today, then tell them again tomorrow and so on for at least a week
15. Advertise your bosses brand new car on the notice board for about £200, adding his name and mobile number
16. When your answer your phone, pretend to be your answer phone saying loudly: I'm sorry I am not at my desk at the moment, however my boss is at his/hers and appears to be doing very little, bother him/her
17. Every time you get an email, clap delightedly. Telling everyone you love getting mail
18. After you've opened your email, gasp and stand up pulling your jacket open to shield your screen and keep glancing over your shoulder as you read it.
19. Include sound effects in your emails, Thus:
Hello Jack,
There will be a meeting next.... "ring ring" sorry excuse me, that's my phone. Sorry about that, I hung up. Anyway as I was saying the meeting will be...."Pharrrrpp!" Ooh, excuse me, how embarrasing, sorry, um right, yes the meeting will be...."AHHHHHHHHHHH CHOOOO" Bless me, I'm so sorry, oh I tell you what, I'll give you a ring.
20. Bring a child's trike into work and 'park' it by your desk.
21. Take visitors on a tour of the office, pointing out chairs, photocopiers, fax machines, the toilets, your boss (pulling a face and holding your nose).
22. Anytime anyone goes to use the photocopy run over screaming "I was on that"
23. On dress down days come in wearing dungarees, a check flannel shirt, stick an axe in your belt.
24. Open your lunch box at your desk, sigh heavily and ask if anyone likes horse/dog/peacock sandwiches.
25. When a colleague asks you to proof read a document, mark it in big red crosses and give them an F grade, adding a comment "Could do better"
26. Ring a colleague who is sitting on the next desk and whisper "When I give the command, we are going over the top" and hang up quickly
27. Ring your HR department and ask whether or not you could be fired if you stabbed your boss in the back of the neck with a broken bottle. When they confirm you would, yell s**t and hang up.
28. Slam your palm on the desk, and when everyone looks up, peer under your hand and ask 'What do vampire bats look like?'
Relationship Guide
How To Make A Woman Happy:
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
Without Forgetting To:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
And at the same time, one must:
50. give her lots of attention,
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
It's also very important to:
53. Never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
How To Make A Man Happy:
01. Show up
02. Feed him
03. Shag him
04. Bring Beer
05. Leave him in peace.
To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:
01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
Without Forgetting To:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
And at the same time, one must:
50. give her lots of attention,
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
It's also very important to:
53. Never forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
How To Make A Man Happy:
01. Show up
02. Feed him
03. Shag him
04. Bring Beer
05. Leave him in peace.
And The Word Was...
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
And the plan was without substance
And the assumptions were without form
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks"
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it"
And the Managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength"
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong"
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful"
The Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects"
And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
And the plan became policy
And that is how shit happens
And then came the assumptions
And the plan was without substance
And the assumptions were without form
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks"
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof"
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it"
And the Managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength"
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong"
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful"
The Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company, with powerful effects"
And the President looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
And the plan became policy
And that is how shit happens
Twas Not Just Jesus That Was Hammered With Tax
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the Leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the Leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi, "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Arresting Finale
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. As she went to look for it, she came across a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women
will flock to?"
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered:
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women
will flock to?"
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered:
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Quick Guide To Chinese
That’s not right - Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
It’s Very dark in here - Wao So Dim
I Thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
Are you harbouring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP - Kum Hia
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
It’s Very dark in here - Wao So Dim
I Thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
He’s cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
Suns and Beaches
Some local children's comments on their Sea project:
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a*shole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.(Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and
watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside.(Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a*shole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
My Mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish.(Laura age 5)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and
watched my big sister doing it with her boy friend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)
A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside.(Emma age 5)
When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
Taxing Relationship
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".
"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. ...... God I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
Good," said the Husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin".
"What?" Said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it's going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.. ...... God I miss him!"
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
Good," said the Husband, "but, why?"
"You're a Tax Man...... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Dud Stud
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dang it... third gay rooster I bought this month."
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."
The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Dang it... third gay rooster I bought this month."
Fool House
Complaints to my local Council:
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Dressing Down
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park: The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies for the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite, M&M's.
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked:
"Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you f*ck*ng w*nk*r"
"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park: The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the movies for the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite, M&M's.
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked:
"Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my dress size, you f*ck*ng w*nk*r"
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