"They tell me to love my neighbor as myself... I gotta jerk him off too."
"I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
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