Vent Your Frustration, Utah Style.

Allegedly a true story, from Utah...

A city councilman, Mark Easton, had a beautiful view of the east mountains, until a new neighbour purchased the lot below his house and built upon it, as you do.

Apparently, the new home was 18 inches higher than the ordinances would allow, so Mark Easton, mad about his lost view, went to the city officials to make sure they enforced the lower roof line ordinance. Mark and his new neighbour had some great arguments about this as you can imagine, but the end result was that his new neighbour had to drop the roof line, at great expense.

Recently, Mark Easton called the city officials again, and informed them that his new
neighbour had installed some vents on the side of his home. Mark didn't like the look of these vents and asked the city to investigate. When they went to Mark's home to see the vent view, this is what they found...

Family Planning

Shear, Yank, Bollocks

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Sister Vintage

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

O I C...

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

For The Men

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


So he tied her up and went golfing.


OOO000ooo...ooo000OOO

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"


The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

For The Women

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

OOO000ooo...ooo000OOO

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Monkey Business

Start with a large cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with ice cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. When all of the original monkeys have been replaced none of them have ever been doused with cold water. Consequently, none of the monkeys know why they are beating the newcomer or why they are not permitted to climb the stairs.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because, as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.


And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

A Total Cow's Arse Of A Round Of Golf

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

The man says, "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife:


"Hey, this looks like yours. I don't remember much after that..."

Ye Gods

Thor and Odin are up in Valhalla and Thor turns to Odin and says, "It's great being a god and everything but I haven't had sex in a millennium."

Odin says, "Well, what you need to do is go down to earth and find what they call a lady of the night and treat her."

So Thor goes down to earth and the next day returns with a smile from ear to ear.

Odin says, "It was good, then?"

"Good?" replies Thor. "It was great! We did it twenty-seven times in one night."

Odin is horrified. "Twenty-seven times? Mere mortals can't handle that! Go back to earth and apologize," he tells Thor.

So Thor goes back and finds the woman and says, "Sorry about last night, see, I'm Thor..."


The woman replies, "YOU'RE Thor? I can't even pith!"

Butt of the joke

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.

One Mean Mother Plucker

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

Who're You?

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"



"No", she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."

I'd rather liquor...

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."


The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...”

Quiens & Loons

George W Bush is on an official visit to Scotland.

Part of his itinery is a visit to Newmachar Primary School, so at ten o clock the teacher tells the children from P1 to sit quietly as they have a very special guest.

"Now children, I 'd like to welcome the President of the United States of America, Mr George W Bush."

The children politely applaud and Dubya nods his head in an appreciative way and smiles.

"Hey guys, it's great to be here and meet you all. Do any of you kids have a question for me?"

A wee hand goes shooting up.

"Yeah, you son. What's your name?"

"Alec" came the reply.

"Well, Alec, what's your question, young man" probes Bush.

"Ah'v actually got 3 questions Mr President" says Alec.

"Ohhhhhhhkaaaaay", Dubya's looks a bit amused but continues" What's the 1st question then Alec?"

"See at the last election, the ither man that wis standin for president got mair votes than you, but you became the president. Fit waiy wiz that?"

Dubya, looks perplexed but continues smiling and says " What's your second question son?"

" Well, ye ken this Guantanimo place. Yiv a' these folk, wi nae charge, nae legal representation and nae visitin rights, fae all oor the world, fits aw that aboot?

"Right.........."

George looks nervously to his side as if for inspiration "and your third question?"

" Aye. Weel. If you invaded Iraq to get rid o' Saddam Hussein, as you claimed, fit waey ir ye still '"ere?. Is it nae mair tae dee wi the ile?"

Just then the bell for playtime sounds and all the children rush out of the class leaving George a bit shaken.

Fiteen minutes later, the bell sounds again and the children noisily make there way back to their seats and the teacher quietens them down once again and says. "Right children, we will continue where we left off by asking Mr Bush any more questions."

A little hand goes up.

"Yes, you son. What's your question?" Says Dubya.

"A'hv actually five questions Mr Bush" says a wee voice.

"Right, what's your first question?" says George impatiently.

"Weel , ma first three questions are the same as Alec's"

"Ok, what's your fourth question then."

"How did the bell fir playtime go off twinty meenits earlier than usual?"

"And your fifth?" George says through thin tense lips.





"Far's Alec?"

Sum Of All Fears

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Foot Loose

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that what he needed was a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.


"There y'are. It f*ckin' says Taiwan."

Dog Licensed To Kill?

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house.

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes" the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros", the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

Raisin Expectations

An elderly man lies dying in his little bed, while suffering the agonies of impending death, when he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed. And, leaning on the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing through watery eyes into the kitchen. Were it not for Death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes, just out of the oven and cooling slowly.

Is he in heaven? Or is it one final act of love from his devoted Welsh Wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he leaves this mortal world a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembles as it moved slowly towards the closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins - his favourite ones - laid out neatly at the edge of the table, when it is suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.


"Feck off" she says, "they're for the funeral."

The Other Man

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



"That's me before the surgery."

Just Admit-Your-Eight...

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"


"A puppy!"

Ornery Horny

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No"

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, 'Take me young man'."

Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"

Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fool."


"And that's when I shot him."

Redundant Jerk

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."


Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

What's a Meta For?

Allegedly metaphors from GCSE Exams... Allegedly.


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

Even in his last years, Grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on 31p-a-pint night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.

She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coil and he was room-temperature British beef.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

No Offense? Nun Taken.

A Nun and a Priest are on a camel in a desert when the camel suddenly keels over dead.

The Priest looks at the Nun and says "There's another three days travel to the nearest village. Except for the grace of God, I don't think we will make it Sister.'

The young nun agrees and they get chatting to wile away their last hours.

'Y'know Sister," says the Priest, "I've never seen a pair of breasts and sure since we are heading for certain death would you mind showing me yours?"

The young Nun thought hard and eventually said "I dont' see the harm." and took off her wimple and cloak.

"Can I touch them?' asks the Priest.

"Aye, y'may."

So he fondled her breasts and kneaded them excitedly for a while.

The young Nun said in her gasps of passion "Father, do you mind... if I ask the same of you... for I have never seen a penis before?"

In no time, the Priest's zipper was opened and his penis positively bounced out of it.

Y'know Sister," says he, "If I put this in you, it has the ability to create life."

To which the young Nun replied:


"Really Father? Why don't you stick it in yonder camel, and lets get the fuck out of here?"

Anudder Tree Fellers

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.

First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector",says the Coroner.

Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.


"Thought he was having his photo taken."

Cash Prised

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a ten
pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."


"Ah, dat'd be roit ", says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

Bovicide

Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Posh.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.


The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."

Affluence Of Incohol

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen up' with so the first women decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.

"Just the job," she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.

Next morning the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."


"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station...'"

Blind Panic

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Existentialism for Beginners

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach own, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving.

Manurevres

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.

What the Piggin' Duck?

A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the pig I've been sh*gging".

His wife said "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"


He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."

Gotta Faece the Fax

An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained: "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.


The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

More Management Quotes

"There's more than one way to cut the cheese."

"I know these streets like the back of my head."

"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."

"Tomorrow at this time, it will be Wednesday."

"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."

"The smell of indifference was deafening."

"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."

"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."

"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"

"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."

"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."

"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."

"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."

"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."

"I got under your goat."

"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."

"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."

"Is it hot in me or what?"

"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"

"It's like watching paint grow."

"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."

"The system is humming like a clam."

"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."

"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."

"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."

"Not to toot my own horse, but......"

"We do things by the pants of our ass!"

True Stories of Fear & Wonder

My teacher remarked that he'd lived in Africa for several years, prompting a student to ask, "Dude, do you speak African-American?"


My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."


We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.


My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.

I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."


One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.


While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"


My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. One individual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"


We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.


In history class, we were having a discussion about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed.


A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my cow-orkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book."

At which point she says, "There's a book?"

Hoaxy Coaxy

Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.

Please send this to everyone in your email list.

If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and then asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.

This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.


I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap...

Forking Bar-Steward

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat Dollar fo Yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"

The teller says "Fluctuations."

The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too!"

It takes All Sorts

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says: "I thought you were going to look after me."


"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol..."

Sometime in the near future...

One day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"


The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Jock's on him...

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jock (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"

Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'

Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined .

Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?"

Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss".

Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes Miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"

Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me Miss. Me Miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss, meeeeee"

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f*ck did all these English b*stards come from?"

Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"


Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

Tennessee Medical Reference

Artery -the study of paintings

Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria

Barium - what doctors do when a patient dies

Bowel - a letter like A or U

Cesareana - neighborhood in Rome

Cat Scan - searching for kitty

Cauterize - made eye contact with her

Colic - a sheep dog

Coma - a punctuation mark

D&C - where Washington is

Dilate - to live long

Enema - not a friend

Fester - quicker

Fibula - a small lie

Genital - not a Jew

G-1 series - an Army ballgame

Hangnail - coat hook

Impotent - distinguished well known

Labor - Pain getting hurt at work

Medical staff - a doctors cane

Morbid - a higher office

Nitrates - cheaper than day rates

Node - was aware of

Outpatient - a person who fainted

PAP smear - a fatherhood test

Pelvis - a cousin to Elvis

Post-oper-ative - letter carrier

Recovery Room - a place where they do upholstery

Rectum - dang near killed him

Secretion - hiding something

Seizure - a Roman emperor

Tablet - a small table

Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport

Tumor - adding two

Urine - Opposite Of "You're out"

Varicose - near by

Vein - conceited

Geriatrick

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."

"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."


"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."

Uniform Action

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise.

"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.


"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Eroticons

Perfect breasts (o)(o)

Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )

Perky breasts (*)(*)

Big nipple breasts (@)(@)

A cups o o

D cups ( O )( O )

Wonder bra breasts (oYo)

Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )

Lopsided breasts (o)(O)

Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)

Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)

Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /

Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )

Android Breasts | o | | o |

Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)

Slipped Away

Before he died, my Grandma rubbed my Grandad's back with lard.


He went downhill fast after that.

News Breaking, Wind Of

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Geriantic

An 85 year old man went to his Doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The Doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,"Yep."



"And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

In-Can-Descent

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. However as 5th November was approaching, he should buy the biggest exploding firework he could find, light it, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a banger in a beer can next to me ear is gonna help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

The man went out bought the biggest exploding firework he could find and took it home. As the doctor had instructed, he lit the blue touch paper and put it in a beer can. He then held it up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

...at which point he paused, and so he could continue counting on his other hand, placed the beer can between his legs.

Animal in bed

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"Dave, you're a vet".

How much does a Grecian Earn?

A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"



The Greek mother replies "I don't like her."

Lost Prophets

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"

"Right here at your side, my love."

"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."


"What, none of you assholes is minding the store?"

Calm Down, Calm Down.

A Liverpudlian walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said

"Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and as least once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!"


The man behind the counter said "Well you fuck*ng started it!"

Unsavoury Ailment

A man walks into the doctors.

Doc: "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man: "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc: "What?"

Man: "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc: "Umm... I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man: "Not really"

Doc: "What about stress at work?"

Man: "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc: "That sounds very stressful."

Man: "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc: "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man: "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc: "That sounds stressful."

Man: "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc: "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man: "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc: "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"


Man: "Watch porn and eat Wotsits".

Just Pokin' Fun

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

The Medic asks her "What's your name love?"

"Sharon" she replies.

The Medic says "OK Sharon, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

"Ok," says she.

The Medic then asks "Ok, then how many fingers am I putting up."


Sharon screams "Oh my god - I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

Man Handled

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right? I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"


To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Cunning Lingo

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say,"Emma come a first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'

Woodyisms

"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."


"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."


"Eighty percent of success is showing up."


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."


"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."


"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."


"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."


"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?


"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better. While the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."


"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."


"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Nightmare Number 3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.With an air of confidence, he cockily leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it."


"But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

Nightmare Number 2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? I know..."

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.

He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!", pointing at the bedroom.


"You'll wake your mother."

Nightmare Number 1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.


Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Shouting, Lager Lager Lager

Tony comes home from an exhausting day at work, throws himself down on the couch in front of the television, telling his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

His long-suffering wife sighs and fetches him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, Tony yells out, "Hey, get me another beer before it starts."
His wife gives him an angry look, but gets him another beer anyway, and slams it down on the table next to him.

He quickly finishes that beer and yells,"Quick, get me another beer! It's going to start any minute!"

Well, now his wife has had enough. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Swill beer and sit on your behind in front of the TV? You're just a lazy, drunken slob!"


Tony sighs and leans back into the couch. "It's started."

This is a dickie situation...

The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of his ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"


And all the choir boys stood up.

Quickie For The Bush

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant.

Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad.

Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"

The waitress was horrified.
"Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was."

As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."

Steve Wrightisms - 03

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have film.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Just the ticket.

While I was "flying" down the road this morning (i.e. 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a garda siochalony with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.

The police pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"


To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

Careless Whisper

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."

Internal Combustion

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say," I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe"

Drowning In Venus

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"


"I'm a gynecologist."

Hey, Big Spender

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."

"Uh-huh."

"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."


"You're simply going through the Change."

Incendiary Charge

A battery and a firework were arrested - one was charged and the other let off.

Urban Kooky Collective

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted


A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."


A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Two elephants walk off a cliff.
Boom Boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh


Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"


Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Don't argue the toss

Bri goes to the optometrist.

The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"

"Oh my God, Doc, why?" asked Bri. "Am I going blind?"

"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're sure upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

Reaped Too Soon

On this day, in 1997, the man my Demon Spouse assures me was a "Sex God" had an accident with his belt in a hotel room.

Whether the adventurous Michael Hutchence was getting his kicks via oxygen starvation (as his soon to be reaped other half claimed) or whether he was suicidal as the coroner claimed (how does one locate depression post mortem? "Aha, I knew if I moved this rib out more and removed the heart, I'd find a depression."), a true rocker reluctantly departed for parties new.

Finally giving Australia a worthy successor to the title "Rock Band" (as pop-like as they appeared on recordings), they steam-rollered their way into the charts with hits such as the instantly catchy Need you Tonight and Devil Inside, to the anthemic Never Tear Us Apart, sold a few records, made a few bucks, lost their singer, borrowed another former eighties also ran, got rid of him, and then went all reality TV on our asses by recruiting their latest lead man ("I'm their biggest fan - it's a dream come true" ,etc) via the medium of a TV contest.

When Michael departed, so too perhaps did credibility.


Let's raise a glass for Michael - he sh*gged Kylie you know!

When Domain names go bad...

Seven sites for sore eyes - web site names that should have been reconsidered.


1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?

http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:

http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?

http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?

http://www.powergenitalia.com

Lui returns from the hinterlands...

After 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness and virons of Spam, I crawled slowly back to the excruciating molten morass that is the Big B's holiday chateau. Tired but happy, as such great adventures I have had - tales of fabled Free Golf Clubs I may share, and words caught on the whispering wind of sacred Carpet Cleaning Services I also bring. Allow a short time to re-blister my skin, trim my fetlocks and rework my horns and I'll be ready to share the wisdoms and foreign truths I have discovered... oh, yeah, the humour will be back too.

See you in a jiffy.

Socratic Oaf

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not." Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter-the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really ..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Double D

A pregnant woman from Washington DC is involved in a car accident and falls into a coma.

When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"


"Denephew."

Employee Performance Quotes

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."

11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

14. "He's been working with glue too much."

15. "He would argue with a signpost."

16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

28. "One neuron short of a synapse."

29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."

31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Some Bush Porkies

President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

Seven Quickies Coming Hard & Fast.

Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing

Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.

How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.

How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.

Sin, Agog

The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."

Grizzly Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to "wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly."

They also advise you to "carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."

Yet More Dangerfieldisms

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"

"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."

"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."

Lui's Guide To Zen

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Some More Cuts From The Fringe

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go.
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34


Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand

I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand

Cuniculus & Herpetologus

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.

This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be someone in Senior Management".