Aircraft fault log and solutions:
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine located on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
21 Jul 2005
Greasy Kids Stuff
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mum her diet's not working." Michael, 14
"When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptise a cat. " Eileen, 8
How do you decide who to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to marry?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What do your Mum and Dad have in common?
"Both don't want any more kids." Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was going badly?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is it ok to french kiss someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 6
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, aged 8
Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
How would the world bee different if people weren't married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mum her diet's not working." Michael, 14
"When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptise a cat. " Eileen, 8
How do you decide who to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to marry?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What do your Mum and Dad have in common?
"Both don't want any more kids." Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was going badly?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is it ok to french kiss someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 6
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, aged 8
Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
How would the world bee different if people weren't married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
Signs of 'Oldnessity'
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
j. You're the one calling the police because those freakin' kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Dunkin' Donuts closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog IAMS instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the chemist (drugstore) for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & munchies.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
j. You're the one calling the police because those freakin' kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Dunkin' Donuts closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog IAMS instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the chemist (drugstore) for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & munchies.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
Doing The Business
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his business."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his business."
If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Celtic top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver miniskirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics, or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo:
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! Whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver miniskirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics, or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo:
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! Whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
Life Of O'Reilly
An Irishman named O'Reilly went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Reilly in the eye and said,"I've some bad news for your. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order"
O'Reilly was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Reilly said,"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Reilly's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Reilly told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends,"I have been diagnosed with the AIDS."
The friends gave O'Reilly their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Rielly's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Reilly said, " I don't want any of them f*ck*rs riding your ma after I'm gone."
O'Reilly was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Reilly said,"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Reilly's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Reilly told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends,"I have been diagnosed with the AIDS."
The friends gave O'Reilly their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Rielly's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Reilly said, " I don't want any of them f*ck*rs riding your ma after I'm gone."
More Dangerfieldisms
"They tell me to love my neighbor as myself... I gotta jerk him off too."
"I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
"I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
Take Two Aspirin
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "New Age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it...
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it...
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
One For Grissom
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor Level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.
That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.
The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor Level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.
That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.
The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
Loose Woman
The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."
Dangerfieldisms
"I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with."
" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."
"I was such an ugly baby. My Mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"I'm so ugly. My Father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born, the Doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"
" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."
"I was such an ugly baby. My Mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"I'm so ugly. My Father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born, the Doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"
Masked Balling
A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"
Irregulars
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, but most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock...no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, but most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock...no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Holy Of Holies
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice- Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice- Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
20 Jul 2005
Quotes - 11
"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"
- Unknown
"The main fault we, as human beings have, is the preoccupation with the faults of others."
- Unknown
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
- Thomas Szasz
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten, they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
- Frank Zappa
- Unknown
"The main fault we, as human beings have, is the preoccupation with the faults of others."
- Unknown
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
- Thomas Szasz
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten, they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
- Frank Zappa
Quotes - 10
"Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks."
~Lazarus Long
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
~Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
~Mark Twain
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."
~Pat Bahn
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham
~Lazarus Long
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
~Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
~Mark Twain
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."
~Pat Bahn
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham
Passing Away
A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
Austin Powers Chat Up Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
Quotes - 09
"The office of president is a bastardized thing, half royalty and half democracy, that nobody knows whether to genuflect or spit."
-Jimmy Breslin
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns
"In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief."
-John Barrymore
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
-Bill Cosby
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."
-Dick Butkus
"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
-Henry Miller
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers
"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."
-Dorothy Parker
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you."
-Satchel Paige
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
-Steve Wozniak
-Jimmy Breslin
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns
"In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief."
-John Barrymore
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
-Bill Cosby
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."
-Dick Butkus
"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
-Henry Miller
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers
"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."
-Dorothy Parker
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you."
-Satchel Paige
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
-Steve Wozniak
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