Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy bitch busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.
Mick said,“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
Came home one day early in December to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone’s Advent calendar…?
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s rather a lot. Apparently, Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes… I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
31 Jan 2011
25 Jan 2011
Survfailed
Last month a world-wide phone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
The only question asked was: "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In the UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
24 Jan 2011
Dipsoluded
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Paddy replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... Ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your sad loss."
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"
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