27 Oct 2006
Ah, craps.
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
For our American Friends, just insert Bush into Blair...
Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The Teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'".
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister, "that's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If the airplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!"
23 Oct 2006
Comin' right at-choo...
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious: "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious: "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
19 Oct 2006
18 Oct 2006
17 Oct 2006
16 Oct 2006
Light A Million Candles
One of the few times you'll see anything serious on this blog, so you know i mean business.
"The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.
But you can. With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.
We do not need your money.
We need you to light a candle of support at www.lightamillioncandles.com
We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.
This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.
They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.
Please light your candle at www.lightamillioncandles.com or send an email of support to light@lightamillioncandles.com.
Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.
Kindly forward this link to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too."
There, that didn't hurt did it? Go click.
"The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.
But you can. With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.
We do not need your money.
We need you to light a candle of support at www.lightamillioncandles.com
We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.
This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.
They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.
Please light your candle at www.lightamillioncandles.com or send an email of support to light@lightamillioncandles.com.
Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.
Kindly forward this link to your friends, relatives and work colleagues so that they can light a candle too."
There, that didn't hurt did it? Go click.
13 Oct 2006
12 Oct 2006
In The Garden of Eden...
God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and you will find a cave."
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a cave?"
So God explained unto Adam exactly what a cave was. Then God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve."
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a woman called Eve?"
So God explained unto Adam exactly what a woman called Eve was. Then God said unto Adam "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top, and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve. Go and fornicate with her in order to reproduce."
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is fornicate and reproduce?"
So God explained very patiently unto Adam exactly what fornicate and reproduce were. Then God commanded Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve, now go and fornicate and reproduce with her".
So off went Adam, across the river, up the hill, over the ridge and into the cave and met the woman called Eve. Five minutes later he was back.
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a headache?"
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a cave?"
So God explained unto Adam exactly what a cave was. Then God said unto Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve."
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a woman called Eve?"
So God explained unto Adam exactly what a woman called Eve was. Then God said unto Adam "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top, and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve. Go and fornicate with her in order to reproduce."
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is fornicate and reproduce?"
So God explained very patiently unto Adam exactly what fornicate and reproduce were. Then God commanded Adam, "Cross yonder river, climb the hill on the other side, cross over the ridge at the top and in the cave you will find a woman called Eve, now go and fornicate and reproduce with her".
So off went Adam, across the river, up the hill, over the ridge and into the cave and met the woman called Eve. Five minutes later he was back.
And Adam said unto God, "God, what is a headache?"
Thank Feck It's Not Friday
One day a man died and found himself in Hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said. "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The man responded, "Why do you think? I'm in Hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said. "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whisky, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke and vodka. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The man was astounded. "Crikey, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
"Wow," the man said, "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
The man said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the man said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."
11 Oct 2006
Crilly & Co
A Priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a Sailor says "Whoa,look at the size of that fecker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the Priest.
Embarrassed, the Sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fecker fish."
Accepting the explanation, the Priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fecker" says the Priest, spotting the Bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the Bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the Priest.
"Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fecker and we could have it for dinner".
So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
"Could you cook this fecker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, Sister that's what the fish is called - a fecker, " says the Bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fecker tonight, as The Pope is coming for dinner."
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fecker!" says the Priest.
"And I cleaned the fecker!" says the Bishop.
"And I cooked the fecker!" says the Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:
"You know what? You c*nts are alright."
"Hey, mind your language!" says the Priest.
Embarrassed, the Sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father,but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fecker fish."
Accepting the explanation, the Priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge fecker" says the Priest, spotting the Bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the Bishop.
"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the Priest.
"Oh," says the Bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fecker and we could have it for dinner".
So the Bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior.
"Could you cook this fecker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, Sister that's what the fish is called - a fecker, " says the Bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the Mother Superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fecker tonight, as The Pope is coming for dinner."
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the fecker!" says the Priest.
"And I cleaned the fecker!" says the Bishop.
"And I cooked the fecker!" says the Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:
"You know what? You c*nts are alright."
6 Oct 2006
3 Oct 2006
What's Dogging & Petting got in common with Star Wars?
Due to strange popular demand... more dogs in togs.
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