Family Planning

Shear, Yank, Bollocks

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Sister Vintage

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

O I C...

A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.


"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

For The Men

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."


So he tied her up and went golfing.


OOO000ooo...ooo000OOO

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I
said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"


The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

For The Women

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

OOO000ooo...ooo000OOO

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Monkey Business

Start with a large cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.

Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with ice cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result; all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. When all of the original monkeys have been replaced none of them have ever been doused with cold water. Consequently, none of the monkeys know why they are beating the newcomer or why they are not permitted to climb the stairs.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because, as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.


And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

A Total Cow's Arse Of A Round Of Golf

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

The man says, "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife:


"Hey, this looks like yours. I don't remember much after that..."

Ye Gods

Thor and Odin are up in Valhalla and Thor turns to Odin and says, "It's great being a god and everything but I haven't had sex in a millennium."

Odin says, "Well, what you need to do is go down to earth and find what they call a lady of the night and treat her."

So Thor goes down to earth and the next day returns with a smile from ear to ear.

Odin says, "It was good, then?"

"Good?" replies Thor. "It was great! We did it twenty-seven times in one night."

Odin is horrified. "Twenty-seven times? Mere mortals can't handle that! Go back to earth and apologize," he tells Thor.

So Thor goes back and finds the woman and says, "Sorry about last night, see, I'm Thor..."


The woman replies, "YOU'RE Thor? I can't even pith!"

Butt of the joke

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"


"Your name never came up," she replied.

One Mean Mother Plucker

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

Who're You?

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He replied, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up took off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, 'That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.
She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"



"No", she said, 'I was a hooker in Govan and I worked both sides of the Clyde."

I'd rather liquor...

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."


The cowboy handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice...”

Quiens & Loons

George W Bush is on an official visit to Scotland.

Part of his itinery is a visit to Newmachar Primary School, so at ten o clock the teacher tells the children from P1 to sit quietly as they have a very special guest.

"Now children, I 'd like to welcome the President of the United States of America, Mr George W Bush."

The children politely applaud and Dubya nods his head in an appreciative way and smiles.

"Hey guys, it's great to be here and meet you all. Do any of you kids have a question for me?"

A wee hand goes shooting up.

"Yeah, you son. What's your name?"

"Alec" came the reply.

"Well, Alec, what's your question, young man" probes Bush.

"Ah'v actually got 3 questions Mr President" says Alec.

"Ohhhhhhhkaaaaay", Dubya's looks a bit amused but continues" What's the 1st question then Alec?"

"See at the last election, the ither man that wis standin for president got mair votes than you, but you became the president. Fit waiy wiz that?"

Dubya, looks perplexed but continues smiling and says " What's your second question son?"

" Well, ye ken this Guantanimo place. Yiv a' these folk, wi nae charge, nae legal representation and nae visitin rights, fae all oor the world, fits aw that aboot?

"Right.........."

George looks nervously to his side as if for inspiration "and your third question?"

" Aye. Weel. If you invaded Iraq to get rid o' Saddam Hussein, as you claimed, fit waey ir ye still '"ere?. Is it nae mair tae dee wi the ile?"

Just then the bell for playtime sounds and all the children rush out of the class leaving George a bit shaken.

Fiteen minutes later, the bell sounds again and the children noisily make there way back to their seats and the teacher quietens them down once again and says. "Right children, we will continue where we left off by asking Mr Bush any more questions."

A little hand goes up.

"Yes, you son. What's your question?" Says Dubya.

"A'hv actually five questions Mr Bush" says a wee voice.

"Right, what's your first question?" says George impatiently.

"Weel , ma first three questions are the same as Alec's"

"Ok, what's your fourth question then."

"How did the bell fir playtime go off twinty meenits earlier than usual?"

"And your fifth?" George says through thin tense lips.





"Far's Alec?"

Sum Of All Fears

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as `unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Foot Loose

Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that what he needed was a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone?

Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing. When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy took off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.


"There y'are. It f*ckin' says Taiwan."

Dog Licensed To Kill?

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house.

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes" the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten euros", the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"


"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."

Raisin Expectations

An elderly man lies dying in his little bed, while suffering the agonies of impending death, when he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed. And, leaning on the wall, he slowly makes his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing through watery eyes into the kitchen. Were it not for Death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes, just out of the oven and cooling slowly.

Is he in heaven? Or is it one final act of love from his devoted Welsh Wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he leaves this mortal world a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he throws himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembles as it moved slowly towards the closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins - his favourite ones - laid out neatly at the edge of the table, when it is suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.


"Feck off" she says, "they're for the funeral."

The Other Man

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.



"That's me before the surgery."