It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth with light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit!" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre
28 Jul 2005
...king In A Catholic Style
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone."
He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him. Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy said, "Five good leads."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone."
He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him. Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Tommy said, "Five good leads."
Too Choked For Words
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
Shocked, the doctor asks "What the hell happened man?"
"She choked."
The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.
From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.
The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
Shocked, the doctor asks "What the hell happened man?"
"She choked."
A Real Pickle
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Totally Sucks
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
Nelson's Exhausted Parts
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. 'You sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder. 'You sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man',and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him;
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
Signs O' The Times
Sign over a gynaecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a pediatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again"
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow-out."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Let us pick your nose."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a pediatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At the entrance to a sperm bank: "The customer always comes first"
At the exit of the same bank: "Thank you for coming, please come again"
Sports Commentary - 03
"The team has come along slow but fast."
-- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
-- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
-- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
-- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"Well, that was a cliff-dweller."
-- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game
"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
-- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL
"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it."
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a restaurant
"These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down, I'm going down standing up."
-- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player
Doctor, Doctor, Please!
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?" and the doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Last Words (Last Rites)
"I'll get a world record for this."
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
27 Jul 2005
Anger Management
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Lui. Could I please speak with Bill Bailey?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ck*ng number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Bill's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Eddie Izzard from Terra Nova. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Paisley. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar5ehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" But I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the local News channel about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Paisley.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
I politely said, "This is Lui. Could I please speak with Bill Bailey?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ck*ng number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Bill's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're an arsehole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'Arsehole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an arsehole!"
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'arsehole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is Eddie Izzard from Terra Nova. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an arsehole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first arsehole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW arsehole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is", he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Paisley. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an arsehole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called Ar5ehole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an arsehole!" But I didn't hang up.
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Arsehole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, arsehole," and hung up.
Then I called Arsehole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, arsehole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, arsehole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Paisley, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called the local News channel about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Paisley.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really works.
25 Jul 2005
Cunning Lingos
AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WANK SÉANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.
BEAVER LEAVER
A homosexual.
BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from.
BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".
BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.
BOILER SUIT
The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus aforethought, score with a BOBFOC last night. This charge is usually brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday night.
BONE OF CONTENTION
A hard-on that causes an argument, e.g. one that arises when a man is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG
The female erection.
BUNNY-BOILER
An unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction", e.g. "I don't like the look of that aeroplane blonde - could be a bunny boiler".
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double bass instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.
DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.
ETCH-A-SKETCH
Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples simultaneously.
FLOGGING ON
Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.
FREE THE TADPOLES
Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.
FRIGMAROLE
Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.
FUCKSHITFUCKSHITFUCKSHIT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.
GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.
GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT
A vigorous masturbation session.
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa! Aa!".
MUMBLER
An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i.e. you can see the 'lips' moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.
NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-Pinter.
NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).
ONE IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE
The need to defecate imminently.
PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.
PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.
RAGMAN'S COAT
Untidy and unkempt pubic hair e.g. "That mumbler looks quite fit but I bet she's got a kebab like a ragmans coat !"
RELEASE A CHOCOLATE HOSTAGE
To defecate e.g. " I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage".
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SKIN-CHIMNEY - see BADLY PACKED KEBAB
SPERM WAIL or SPUPHEMISM
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.
STARFISH TROOPER or ARSETRONAUT
A homosexual.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL or BITCH PISS
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.
TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.
TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.
TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.
TWO-BAGGER or DOUBLE BAGGER
Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with (1 to cover their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off).
UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".
VAGINA DECLINER
A homosexual.
WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.
WANK SÉANCE
During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being watched with disgust by your dead relatives.
WYNONA RYDER
Rhyming Slang for 'cider'. e.g. "Pint of Wynona, half a Nelson and a bottle of tart fuel please Doreen".
X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.
There's A Pattern To It...
Yesterday, I was on the Underground travelling on the Northern line. A man of Arabic appearance got off the train and I noticed that he had left his bag behind. I grabbed the bag and ran after him, caught up with him at the top of the escalator and handed him back his bag.
He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me:
"I can never repay your kindness sir, I notice that you are Scottish, so I will give a word of advice for you and your friends. Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Paisley."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir", he whispered back "It's a shit-hole.
He was extremely grateful to me and when he checked the contents of his bag I noticed what appeared to be large bundles of banknotes and white powder. He looked round, made sure nobody was looking and whispered to me:
"I can never repay your kindness sir, I notice that you are Scottish, so I will give a word of advice for you and your friends. Tell everyone you care about to stay away from Paisley."
I was terrified. "Is there going to be a terrorist attack?" I whispered.
"No, sir", he whispered back "It's a shit-hole.
Don't get Testy
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The team's performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily. Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls. That's something else I want to talk to you about."
Chant Number One
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.
"Thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
"Thirteen thirteen thirteen!" goes the noise from the mental hospital wards. The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. Its not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly ,someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen."
Road To Mandalay
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while.The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse."
However, he knew of an experiment treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis. The man thought about if for a while.The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants town. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse."
Squids In
A man goes into this pub with an octopus under his arm.
"I'll wager £50 my octopus can play any musical instrument in the world, " says he.
The clientele's ears prick up and they agree to the wager. "Bring it on," says the man.
Someone produces a harmonica and quick as a flash the octopus is playing a ditty that would have shamed Bob Dylan. The stakes are raised to £100 and someone brings out a banjo from a bag. With no effort at all the octopus is making like George Formby and the crowd are agog! Next comes a Senegalese thumb piano, the talented invertebrate has no problem with this and it's like Youssou N'Dour is in the pub!
The wager is then raised to £1000 by a rather posh man with an Edinburgh accent. "I'll bet he can't play THESE!" says he and produces a set of bagpipes. The crowd gasp.
The octopus looks confused and turns the bagpies over in his tentacles for some minutes before the Edinburgh gent finally says "Get on and play it, laddy!"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "I'm going to shag it as soon as I get it's pyjamas off."
"I'll wager £50 my octopus can play any musical instrument in the world, " says he.
The clientele's ears prick up and they agree to the wager. "Bring it on," says the man.
Someone produces a harmonica and quick as a flash the octopus is playing a ditty that would have shamed Bob Dylan. The stakes are raised to £100 and someone brings out a banjo from a bag. With no effort at all the octopus is making like George Formby and the crowd are agog! Next comes a Senegalese thumb piano, the talented invertebrate has no problem with this and it's like Youssou N'Dour is in the pub!
The wager is then raised to £1000 by a rather posh man with an Edinburgh accent. "I'll bet he can't play THESE!" says he and produces a set of bagpipes. The crowd gasp.
The octopus looks confused and turns the bagpies over in his tentacles for some minutes before the Edinburgh gent finally says "Get on and play it, laddy!"
"Play it?" says the octopus. "I'm going to shag it as soon as I get it's pyjamas off."
Jumped Up Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
Shelling Out
A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull's-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.
An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bull's-eyes and was given another turtle.
Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored threebull's-eyes . But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.
"That's fantastic", the man said. "Hasn't he scored three bulls?"
The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.
"Yes, sir!" he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!"
"I don't want any bloody glasses", the drunk replied. "Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!"
The Small Ads
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DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: One.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE Eats anything and is fond of children.
STOCK UP AND SAVE. Limit: One.
SEMI ANNUAL AFTER XMAS SALE
DINNER SPECIAL. Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
FOR SALE: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.
TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF? Let me do it.
Pregnant Conversation
A Glasgow woman dials 999 and requests an ambulance. The operator enquires as to the nature of the emergency and the woman replies that she is pregnant.
"Madam, you can't have an ambulance just because you are pregnant" replies the operator.
"Aye I know" says the woman "but ma waters have burst!".
"Oh, right well that's a different matter" says the operator "Where are you ringing from?"
Woman replies, "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet."
"Madam, you can't have an ambulance just because you are pregnant" replies the operator.
"Aye I know" says the woman "but ma waters have burst!".
"Oh, right well that's a different matter" says the operator "Where are you ringing from?"
Woman replies, "Fae ma fanny tae ma feet."
Flight of Fancy?
I was in the Heathrow airport VIP lounge en-route to Glasgow a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.
Obviously, he had been in London for his Live8 concert appearance.
I was meeting a business colleague who was also flying to Glasgow, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi Lui,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my colleague showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi Lui," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
Obviously, he had been in London for his Live8 concert appearance.
I was meeting a business colleague who was also flying to Glasgow, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi Lui,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my colleague showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi Lui," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
A Wealth of Intellect
Family Fortunes answers...
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Royal Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword
Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon
Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell
Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar
Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde
Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs
Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse
Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water
Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair
Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan
Q. Name a famous royal
A. Royal Mail
Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7
Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed
Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings
Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing
Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters
Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet
Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate
Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog
Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs
Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April
Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman
Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish
Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato
Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam
Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock
Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window
Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant
Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard
Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee
Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod
Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels
In The Eire
Air Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport,they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus," said Paddy, "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Right, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already," replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life.Shamus looked out the side window and replied:
"Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is."
"B'jeesus," said Paddy, "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is."
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see," said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Shamus.
"Right, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat," replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already," replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life.Shamus looked out the side window and replied:
"Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is."
Shouting, Lager, Lager, Lager... Beer Drinking Advice
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.
SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.
SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.
SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.
Re: Lie on in court?
A police officer pulls a bloke over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 3rd drink-driving ban.
Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen ?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT ?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Superintendent: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.
Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot ? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
Officer: May I see your driver's licence?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 3rd drink-driving ban.
Officer: I see sir, well may I see the log book for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen ?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the log book in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT ?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Superintendent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Superintendent approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Superintendent: Sir, can I see your licence?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Superintendent: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the log book.
Superintendent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Superintendent: Would you mind opening your boot ? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Boot is opened; no body.
Superintendent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a licence, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot.
Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
It's a peach.
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut. The barber smiles at her and says: "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."
Sports Commentary - 02
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him"
(NZ rugby commentator)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)
(NZ rugby commentator)
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)
"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)
"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!"
(Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis
Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup
qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992).
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body"
(Winston Bennett)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical"
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious"
(Alan Minter)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball "
(John Francombe)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
(Terry Venables)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
"Morcelli has the four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)
" and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..."
(Sue Barker)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)
"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?"
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class"
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)
Stirrup some game...
David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his
head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his
head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune....
The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.
23 Jul 2005
22 Jul 2005
The Cream Of Mankind
Question: "If you could live forever, would you and why?"
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liv forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life…"
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to
keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, (then) Vice President of the USA
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
-George Bush, US President
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, Former US President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liv forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life…"
-Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to
keep it for themselves."
-John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
- Al Gore, (then) Vice President of the USA
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
-George Bush, US President
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-Bill Clinton, Former US President
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Top Life Tips
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down it's throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara
Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
Have all your sh*ts at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Cinderella in "No Balls This Time" shocker. Page 5
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince Charming, she happily nods gently in the sunshine upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a big black cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "My goodness, Fairy Godmother, I am happy to see you again. But what are you doing here after all these years"?
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella, overjoyed, uttered her first wish; "The Prince was a wonderful man, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my little widow's pension, so I wish I was extremely wealthy."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "Its the least that I can do. What do you want for your second
wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young again, full of the beauty and energy I once had."
Instantly, her wish became reality, and she was transformed, beautiful and vibrant again, with a surging desire for passion and love.
And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish Cinders; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, in a flash of white light, Bob underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful she gasped with delight and anticipation.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,her Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked longingly into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked slowly over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. As he kissed her gently, she stirred in anticipation. He leaned in closer, softly blowing her golden hair with his warm sweet breath.
And whispered in her ear...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, "My goodness, Fairy Godmother, I am happy to see you again. But what are you doing here after all these years"?
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella, overjoyed, uttered her first wish; "The Prince was a wonderful man, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my little widow's pension, so I wish I was extremely wealthy."
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The Fairy Godmother replied "Its the least that I can do. What do you want for your second
wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young again, full of the beauty and energy I once had."
Instantly, her wish became reality, and she was transformed, beautiful and vibrant again, with a surging desire for passion and love.
And then the Fairy Godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish Cinders; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, in a flash of white light, Bob underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful she gasped with delight and anticipation.
The Fairy Godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life." With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,her Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked longingly into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked slowly over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. As he kissed her gently, she stirred in anticipation. He leaned in closer, softly blowing her golden hair with his warm sweet breath.
And whispered in her ear...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
21 Jul 2005
More Truths aka What The F*ck?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game," when they are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of ?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do people sing "Take me out to the ball game," when they are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Teenage Kicks
Count Dracula is on the pull in Glasgow. He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks. He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle Street sometime before sunrise.
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.
He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here? A few yards further on and ...
BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd. A few yards further along the street and ....
CRASH
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can, still nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female.
With his dying breath he gasps "Who the hell are you?"
"Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head.
He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmmm, he thinks. What's going on here? A few yards further on and ...
BANG.
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can. Nothing.
Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd. A few yards further along the street and ....
CRASH
Smacked on the back of the head again, he whirls round as quick as he can, still nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground. He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing. He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.
With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickle. On the ground dying, he looks up and sees a young female.
With his dying breath he gasps "Who the hell are you?"
"Buffet, the Vampire Slayer"
Now And Zen
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Quite Unusual And Nonsensical Technical Aircraft Solutions
Aircraft fault log and solutions:
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine located on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine located on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Greasy Kids Stuff
"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mum her diet's not working." Michael, 14
"When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptise a cat. " Eileen, 8
How do you decide who to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to marry?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What do your Mum and Dad have in common?
"Both don't want any more kids." Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was going badly?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is it ok to french kiss someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 6
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, aged 8
Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
How would the world bee different if people weren't married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9
"Never tell your mum her diet's not working." Michael, 14
"When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair". Taylia, 10
"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9
"Never hold a vacuum and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15
"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, 10
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mum when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13
"Never try to baptise a cat. " Eileen, 8
How do you decide who to marry?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
What is the right age to marry?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
What do your Mum and Dad have in common?
"Both don't want any more kids." Lori, age 8
What do most people do on a date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
What would you do on a first date that was going badly?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9
When is it ok to french kiss someone?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 6
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, aged 8
Is it better to be single or married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out." Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them." Anita, age 9
How would the world bee different if people weren't married?
"There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8
How would you make your marriage work?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
Signs of 'Oldnessity'
a. Your potted plants stay alive.
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
j. You're the one calling the police because those freakin' kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Dunkin' Donuts closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog IAMS instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the chemist (drugstore) for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & munchies.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
b. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
c. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
d. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
e. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
f. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
g. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
h. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
i. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
j. You're the one calling the police because those freakin' kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
k. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
l. You don't know what time Dunkin' Donuts closes anymore.
m. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
n. You feed your dog IAMS instead of McDonald's.
o. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
p. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
q. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
r. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
s. You go to the chemist (drugstore) for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
t. A £2.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
u. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
v. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi & munchies.
w. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
x. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
y. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
z. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
Doing The Business
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his business."
"Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"The bartender replies,
"Same as I'm doing to his business."
If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Celtic top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver miniskirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics, or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo:
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! Whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby.
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.
The Millennium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver miniskirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of Catholics, or leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo:
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia:
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti:
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan:
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! Whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor:
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so?, I'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
Life Of O'Reilly
An Irishman named O'Reilly went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Reilly in the eye and said,"I've some bad news for your. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order"
O'Reilly was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Reilly said,"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Reilly's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Reilly told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends,"I have been diagnosed with the AIDS."
The friends gave O'Reilly their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Rielly's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Reilly said, " I don't want any of them f*ck*rs riding your ma after I'm gone."
O'Reilly was shocked and saddened. But, being of solid character,he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. To his son who had been waiting, O'Reilly said,"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good,and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case,things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Reilly's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
O'Reilly told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.
He told his friends,"I have been diagnosed with the AIDS."
The friends gave O'Reilly their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, O'Rielly's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"
O'Reilly said, " I don't want any of them f*ck*rs riding your ma after I'm gone."
More Dangerfieldisms
"They tell me to love my neighbor as myself... I gotta jerk him off too."
"I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
"I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born."
"I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said," I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday."
"I'm so ugly. I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get."
"I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror. I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
"I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
"Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it."
"One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control."
Take Two Aspirin
A woman who had the worst chronic headache goes to a famous "New Age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it...
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
"Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."
The doctor replied, "You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."
As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating "I really don't have a headache, I really don't have a headache...".
She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
"Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it...
"When was the last time you two had sex?"
"About eight years ago."
"Send him over."
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her.
When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating:
"That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife..."
One For Grissom
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story.
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor Level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.
That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.
The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor Level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "A person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.
That Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun.
The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus.
When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."
When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.
Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist.
Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus.
He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.
The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)
Loose Woman
The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac, "Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."
Dangerfieldisms
"I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with."
" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."
"I was such an ugly baby. My Mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"I'm so ugly. My Father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born, the Doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"
" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."
"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."
"One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"
"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."
"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."
"I was such an ugly baby. My Mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."
"I'm so ugly. My Father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
"When I was born, the Doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"
Masked Balling
A couple was invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high
and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After some more to drink he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "you must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!"
And the husband returned "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time"
Irregulars
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, but most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock...no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee, but most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out."
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock...no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Holy Of Holies
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice- Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice- Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
20 Jul 2005
Quotes - 11
"Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?"
- Unknown
"The main fault we, as human beings have, is the preoccupation with the faults of others."
- Unknown
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
- Thomas Szasz
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten, they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
- Frank Zappa
- Unknown
"The main fault we, as human beings have, is the preoccupation with the faults of others."
- Unknown
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."
-Mario Andretti
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse."
- Thomas Szasz
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
- Douglas Adams
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
- Rich Cook
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten, they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."
- June Henderson
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."
- Judith Viorst
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
- Carl Zwanzig
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read."
- Frank Zappa
Quotes - 10
"Everything to excess. Moderation is for monks."
~Lazarus Long
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
~Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
~Mark Twain
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."
~Pat Bahn
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham
~Lazarus Long
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
~Winston Churchill
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk."
~Thomas Edison
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
~Rod Serling
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
~Ashleigh Brilliant
"Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing."
~Wernher von Braun
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
~Albert Einstein
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."
~Mark Twain
"If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it."
~Pat Bahn
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best."
~W. Somerset Maugham
Passing Away
A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
"No," he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
Austin Powers Chat Up Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3. Nice legs... What time do they open?
4. Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10. Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
16. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
17. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18. You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25. Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them?
Quotes - 09
"The office of president is a bastardized thing, half royalty and half democracy, that nobody knows whether to genuflect or spit."
-Jimmy Breslin
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns
"In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief."
-John Barrymore
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
-Bill Cosby
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."
-Dick Butkus
"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
-Henry Miller
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers
"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."
-Dorothy Parker
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you."
-Satchel Paige
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
-Steve Wozniak
-Jimmy Breslin
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
-George Burns
"In Genesis, it says that it is not good for a man to be alone; but sometimes it is a great relief."
-John Barrymore
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone."
-Bill Cosby
"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important —like a league game or something."
-Dick Butkus
"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
-Henry Miller
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers
"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."
-Dorothy Parker
"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you."
-Satchel Paige
"Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window."
-Steve Wozniak
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