Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector",says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
1 Dec 2005
Cash Prised
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a ten
pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit ", says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a ten
pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit ", says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Bovicide
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Affluence Of Incohol
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen up' with so the first women decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
"Just the job," she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.
Next morning the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."
"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station...'"
The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
"Just the job," she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.
Next morning the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."
"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station...'"
Blind Panic
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Existentialism for Beginners
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach own, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach own, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving.
Manurevres
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.
What the Piggin' Duck?
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the pig I've been sh*gging".
His wife said "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."
His wife said "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."
Gotta Faece the Fax
An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained: "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
"That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained: "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
More Management Quotes
"There's more than one way to cut the cheese."
"I know these streets like the back of my head."
"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."
"Tomorrow at this time, it will be Wednesday."
"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."
"The smell of indifference was deafening."
"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."
"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."
"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"
"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."
"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."
"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."
"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."
"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."
"I got under your goat."
"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."
"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."
"Is it hot in me or what?"
"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"
"It's like watching paint grow."
"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."
"The system is humming like a clam."
"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."
"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."
"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."
"Not to toot my own horse, but......"
"We do things by the pants of our ass!"
"I know these streets like the back of my head."
"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."
"Tomorrow at this time, it will be Wednesday."
"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."
"The smell of indifference was deafening."
"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."
"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."
"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"
"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."
"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."
"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."
"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."
"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."
"I got under your goat."
"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."
"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."
"Is it hot in me or what?"
"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"
"It's like watching paint grow."
"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."
"The system is humming like a clam."
"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."
"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."
"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."
"Not to toot my own horse, but......"
"We do things by the pants of our ass!"
True Stories of Fear & Wonder
My teacher remarked that he'd lived in Africa for several years, prompting a student to ask, "Dude, do you speak African-American?"
My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."
We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.
My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.
I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."
One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.
While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"
My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. One individual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"
We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.
In history class, we were having a discussion about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed.
A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my cow-orkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book."
At which point she says, "There's a book?"
My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."
We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.
My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.
I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."
One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.
While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"
My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. One individual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"
We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.
In history class, we were having a discussion about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed.
A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my cow-orkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book."
At which point she says, "There's a book?"
Hoaxy Coaxy
Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone in your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and then asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap...
Please send this to everyone in your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and then asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap...
Forking Bar-Steward
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat Dollar fo Yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too!"
The teller says "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too!"
It takes All Sorts
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says: "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol..."
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says: "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol..."
Sometime in the near future...
One day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Jock's on him...
Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined .
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss".
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes Miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me Miss. Me Miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss, meeeeee"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f*ck did all these English b*stards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined .
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss".
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes Miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me Miss. Me Miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss, meeeeee"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f*ck did all these English b*stards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."
Tennessee Medical Reference
Artery -the study of paintings
Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel - a letter like A or U
Cesareana - neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
D&C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - not a Jew
G-1 series - an Army ballgame
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished well known
Labor - Pain getting hurt at work
Medical staff - a doctors cane
Morbid - a higher office
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - a person who fainted
PAP smear - a fatherhood test
Pelvis - a cousin to Elvis
Post-oper-ative - letter carrier
Recovery Room - a place where they do upholstery
Rectum - dang near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - adding two
Urine - Opposite Of "You're out"
Varicose - near by
Vein - conceited
Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel - a letter like A or U
Cesareana - neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
D&C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - not a Jew
G-1 series - an Army ballgame
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished well known
Labor - Pain getting hurt at work
Medical staff - a doctors cane
Morbid - a higher office
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - a person who fainted
PAP smear - a fatherhood test
Pelvis - a cousin to Elvis
Post-oper-ative - letter carrier
Recovery Room - a place where they do upholstery
Rectum - dang near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - adding two
Urine - Opposite Of "You're out"
Varicose - near by
Vein - conceited
Geriatrick
An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
Uniform Action
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise.
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise.
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Eroticons
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups ( O )( O )
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups ( O )( O )
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
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