Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector",says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Big Seamus Quinn from Donegal, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his photo taken."
1 Dec 2005
Cash Prised
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems.
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a ten
pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit ", says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a ten
pound note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another. Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat"s moch batt er . How moch is dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit ", says the Irishman, "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
Bovicide
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
Affluence Of Incohol
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realise they have nothing to 'freshen up' with so the first women decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
"Just the job," she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.
Next morning the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."
"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station...'"
The second women is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
"Just the job," she decides and without another thought duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task complete the women continue staggering home.
Next morning the husband of the first women phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."
"You think you've got problems," exclaims the second husband. "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said 'We'll never forget you from all the lads at the Fire Station...'"
Blind Panic
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Existentialism for Beginners
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach own, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach own, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving.
Manurevres
This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. It's your call.
What the Piggin' Duck?
A man walked into his house with a duck under his arm and said "This is the pig I've been sh*gging".
His wife said "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."
His wife said "That's not a pig, it's a duck!"
He replies "I wasn't talking to you..."
Gotta Faece the Fax
An American, a Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained: "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
"That was my pager," he said, " I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained: "That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
More Management Quotes
"There's more than one way to cut the cheese."
"I know these streets like the back of my head."
"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."
"Tomorrow at this time, it will be Wednesday."
"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."
"The smell of indifference was deafening."
"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."
"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."
"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"
"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."
"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."
"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."
"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."
"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."
"I got under your goat."
"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."
"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."
"Is it hot in me or what?"
"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"
"It's like watching paint grow."
"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."
"The system is humming like a clam."
"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."
"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."
"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."
"Not to toot my own horse, but......"
"We do things by the pants of our ass!"
"I know these streets like the back of my head."
"When push comes to shove, that's when the dollar meets the road."
"Tomorrow at this time, it will be Wednesday."
"I would like a pie-in-the-eye estimate."
"The smell of indifference was deafening."
"Oh, that will be a cake in the woods."
"She'll chew you up and down, and spit you out like a bad habit."
"He's living off the fat of my sweat!"
"I heard that out of the corner of my eye."
"Even a blind beaver falls off a log once in awhile."
"I threw down the carrot and he picked it up and ran with it."
"It's like a monkey on the back of the elephant in the room."
"I don't mean to throw a wrench, I mean a monkey, into the tools."
"I got under your goat."
"You heat it until it doubles to about three times its size."
"When it comes to nut-cutting time, the cream will rise to the top."
"Is it hot in me or what?"
"Don't you hate it when you lock your keys out of your car?"
"It's like watching paint grow."
"The winds of change aren't what they used to be."
"The system is humming like a clam."
"You need to take the bull by the balls and run with him."
"Two cats out of the bag are worth more in the nest."
"Anything worth doing is a lot more difficult than it's worth."
"Not to toot my own horse, but......"
"We do things by the pants of our ass!"
True Stories of Fear & Wonder
My teacher remarked that he'd lived in Africa for several years, prompting a student to ask, "Dude, do you speak African-American?"
My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."
We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.
My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.
I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."
One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.
While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"
My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. One individual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"
We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.
In history class, we were having a discussion about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed.
A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my cow-orkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book."
At which point she says, "There's a book?"
My father, brother, and I had just finished fixing appetizers, and were putting toothpicks into the little morsels, when mom asked us not to use so many toothpicks because, "They don't grow on trees you know."
We had copious notes on the conference room board that we wanted to keep, so we highlighted a box and printed in big letters to notify the cleaning crew, "DON'T ERASE THIS." When we came back the next day, there was nothing on the board except a highlighted box saying "DON'T ERASE THIS." Good help is hard to find.
My dad asked my mom a very simple question the other day: "Which is faster, light or sound?" Mom replied, "Light." My dad thought this was very good, until my mom explained why she chose light. "Because it's lighter," she said.
I heard this story and decided to ask my wife the same question. Her answer was that sound was faster. I asked her why she thought that sound was faster than light. Her response was "Because you hear something first and then you look around and see it."
One of the secretaries at our office made a copy of a document and put the original through the shredder. When I questioned this, she explained that the client did not need the document, and the file only needed a copy, so there was no need to keep the original document. She couldn't understand my amusement.
While trying to exit a gas station onto a busy highway, I was evaluating the oncoming traffic and I asked my wife how it looked on her side. She replied, "Its all clear," so I started to pull out. She continued, "Not a cloud in the sky!"
My nephew, a freshman in college, attended a meeting in his dorm in which everyone introduced themselves and shared some personal information to get acquainted. My nephew introduced himself and mentioned that he has two moms. One individual looked at him and said, in all seriousness, "So… does this mean that one of them is a lesbian?"
We don't have cable, so I get tasked with adjusting the antenna when reception isn't good. The other day, my wife called me from another room and asked me to fix the reception on a program that she had recorded earlier in the day.
In history class, we were having a discussion about current events, specifically rebuilding Afghanistan. I mentioned that improving its economy would be hard because it has no natural resources and little industry. One of my classmates asked, "Well, why don't they, like, build a giant water park or something there to get tourism?" Stunned silence followed.
A few months back, the people in my office were talking about Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of the Christ. One of my cow-orkers, a young 20 year old secretary, mentioned that she wasn't sure if she was going to go see it because it would be too sad. That's when I jokingly told her that "It's okay; he comes back in the end. I read the Book."
At which point she says, "There's a book?"
Hoaxy Coaxy
Hoax warnings don't usually scare me, but this one is important.
Please send this to everyone in your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and then asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap...
Please send this to everyone in your email list.
If someone comes to your front door and says they are conducting a survey and then asks you to show them your arse, DO NOT show them your arse.
This is a scam; they just want to see your arse.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap...
Forking Bar-Steward
A Chinese guy was trying to exchange Yen for Dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat Dollar fo Yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"
The teller says "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too!"
The teller says "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy says "Fluc you white guys too!"
It takes All Sorts
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says: "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol..."
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says: "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol..."
Sometime in the near future...
One day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Jock's on him...
Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined .
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss".
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes Miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me Miss. Me Miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss, meeeeee"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f*ck did all these English b*stards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."
Wee Jock (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonny be a dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."
Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. 'Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'"
Wee Jock shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?'
Jeremy (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."
Teacher: "Very good Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."
The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jock is even more determined .
Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender'?"
Wee Jock's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting "I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss".
Teacher looking round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."
Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes Miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech."
Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."
The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jock is hyper, he's been studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.
Teacher: "Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind'?"
Wee Jock's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me Miss. Me Miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me Miss, meeeeee"
Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."
Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plummy English accent): "Yes Miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1967, The first moon landing."
Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."
Wee Jock loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming, "Where the f*ck did all these English b*stards come from?"
Teacher looking round the class: "Who the hell said that?"
Wee Jock, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."
Tennessee Medical Reference
Artery -the study of paintings
Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel - a letter like A or U
Cesareana - neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
D&C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - not a Jew
G-1 series - an Army ballgame
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished well known
Labor - Pain getting hurt at work
Medical staff - a doctors cane
Morbid - a higher office
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - a person who fainted
PAP smear - a fatherhood test
Pelvis - a cousin to Elvis
Post-oper-ative - letter carrier
Recovery Room - a place where they do upholstery
Rectum - dang near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - adding two
Urine - Opposite Of "You're out"
Varicose - near by
Vein - conceited
Bacteria - back door to the cafeteria
Barium - what doctors do when a patient dies
Bowel - a letter like A or U
Cesareana - neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan - searching for kitty
Cauterize - made eye contact with her
Colic - a sheep dog
Coma - a punctuation mark
D&C - where Washington is
Dilate - to live long
Enema - not a friend
Fester - quicker
Fibula - a small lie
Genital - not a Jew
G-1 series - an Army ballgame
Hangnail - coat hook
Impotent - distinguished well known
Labor - Pain getting hurt at work
Medical staff - a doctors cane
Morbid - a higher office
Nitrates - cheaper than day rates
Node - was aware of
Outpatient - a person who fainted
PAP smear - a fatherhood test
Pelvis - a cousin to Elvis
Post-oper-ative - letter carrier
Recovery Room - a place where they do upholstery
Rectum - dang near killed him
Secretion - hiding something
Seizure - a Roman emperor
Tablet - a small table
Terminal illness - getting sick at the airport
Tumor - adding two
Urine - Opposite Of "You're out"
Varicose - near by
Vein - conceited
Geriatrick
An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..."
Uniform Action
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise.
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise.
"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
Eroticons
Perfect breasts (o)(o)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups ( O )( O )
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
Fake silicone breasts ( + )( + )
Perky breasts (*)(*)
Big nipple breasts (@)(@)
A cups o o
D cups ( O )( O )
Wonder bra breasts (oYo)
Cold breasts ( ^ )( ^ )
Lopsided breasts (o)(O)
Pierced Nipple Breasts (Q)(O)
Hanging Tassels Breasts (p)(p)
Grandma's Breasts \ o /\ o /
Against The Shower Door Breasts ( )( )
Android Breasts | o | | o |
Martha Stewart's Breasts ($)($)
25 Nov 2005
Slipped Away
Before he died, my Grandma rubbed my Grandad's back with lard.
He went downhill fast after that.
He went downhill fast after that.
News Breaking, Wind Of
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)
Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)
There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)
Geriantic
An 85 year old man went to his Doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The Doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,"Yep."
"And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The Doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied,"Yep."
"And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
In-Can-Descent
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. However as 5th November was approaching, he should buy the biggest exploding firework he could find, light it, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a banger in a beer can next to me ear is gonna help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
The man went out bought the biggest exploding firework he could find and took it home. As the doctor had instructed, he lit the blue touch paper and put it in a beer can. He then held it up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
...at which point he paused, and so he could continue counting on his other hand, placed the beer can between his legs.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. However as 5th November was approaching, he should buy the biggest exploding firework he could find, light it, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a banger in a beer can next to me ear is gonna help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
The man went out bought the biggest exploding firework he could find and took it home. As the doctor had instructed, he lit the blue touch paper and put it in a beer can. He then held it up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
...at which point he paused, and so he could continue counting on his other hand, placed the beer can between his legs.
Animal in bed
Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave, you're a vet".
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Dave, you're a vet".
How much does a Grecian Earn?
A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Greek mother replies "I don't like her."
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Greek mother replies "I don't like her."
Lost Prophets
A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you assholes is minding the store?"
"Right here at your side, my love."
"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"
"Right here at your side, papa."
"What, none of you assholes is minding the store?"
23 Nov 2005
Calm Down, Calm Down.
A Liverpudlian walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said
"Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and as least once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is £200,000 a year."
The scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you fuck*ng started it!"
"Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."
The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and as least once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is £200,000 a year."
The scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter said "Well you fuck*ng started it!"
Unsavoury Ailment
A man walks into the doctors.
Doc: "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man: "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc: "What?"
Man: "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc: "Umm... I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man: "Not really"
Doc: "What about stress at work?"
Man: "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."
Doc: "That sounds very stressful."
Man: "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."
Doc: "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man: "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."
Doc: "That sounds stressful."
Man: "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc: "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man: "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc: "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man: "Watch porn and eat Wotsits".
Doc: "Hello. How can I help you?"
Man: "I've got an orange willy doc."
Doc: "What?"
Man: "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc: "Umm... I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man: "Not really"
Doc: "What about stress at work?"
Man: "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."
Doc: "That sounds very stressful."
Man: "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."
Doc: "Umm... what about your home life?"
Man: "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."
Doc: "That sounds stressful."
Man: "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."
Doc: "Umm... what about your social life?"
Man: "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc: "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man: "Watch porn and eat Wotsits".
Just Pokin' Fun
An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.
The Medic asks her "What's your name love?"
"Sharon" she replies.
The Medic says "OK Sharon, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
"Ok," says she.
The Medic then asks "Ok, then how many fingers am I putting up."
Sharon screams "Oh my god - I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
The Medic asks her "What's your name love?"
"Sharon" she replies.
The Medic says "OK Sharon, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
"Ok," says she.
The Medic then asks "Ok, then how many fingers am I putting up."
Sharon screams "Oh my god - I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
Man Handled
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right? I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right? I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Cunning Lingo
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say,"Emma come a first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say,"Emma come a first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'
Woodyisms
"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better. While the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."
"Eighty percent of success is showing up."
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better. While the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."
Nightmare Number 3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.With an air of confidence, he cockily leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it."
"But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it."
"But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."
Nightmare Number 2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? I know..."
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!", pointing at the bedroom.
"You'll wake your mother."
One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? I know..."
He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"
She said, "Shhhh!", pointing at the bedroom.
"You'll wake your mother."
Nightmare Number 1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
22 Nov 2005
Shouting, Lager Lager Lager
Tony comes home from an exhausting day at work, throws himself down on the couch in front of the television, telling his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
His long-suffering wife sighs and fetches him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, Tony yells out, "Hey, get me another beer before it starts."
His wife gives him an angry look, but gets him another beer anyway, and slams it down on the table next to him.
He quickly finishes that beer and yells,"Quick, get me another beer! It's going to start any minute!"
Well, now his wife has had enough. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Swill beer and sit on your behind in front of the TV? You're just a lazy, drunken slob!"
Tony sighs and leans back into the couch. "It's started."
His long-suffering wife sighs and fetches him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, Tony yells out, "Hey, get me another beer before it starts."
His wife gives him an angry look, but gets him another beer anyway, and slams it down on the table next to him.
He quickly finishes that beer and yells,"Quick, get me another beer! It's going to start any minute!"
Well, now his wife has had enough. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Swill beer and sit on your behind in front of the TV? You're just a lazy, drunken slob!"
Tony sighs and leans back into the couch. "It's started."
This is a dickie situation...
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of his ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.
One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
And all the choir boys stood up.
One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"
And all the choir boys stood up.
Quickie For The Bush
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant.
Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad.
Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress was horrified.
"Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was."
As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."
Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad.
Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress was horrified.
"Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was."
As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."
Steve Wrightisms - 03
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have film.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have film.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Just the ticket.
While I was "flying" down the road this morning (i.e. 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a garda siochalony with a radar gun on the other side laying in wait.
The police pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
The police pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
Careless Whisper
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."
The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done f*ck all but moan since you've been here."
Internal Combustion
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say," I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe"
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say," I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the exhaust pipe"
Drowning In Venus
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
Hey, Big Spender
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the Change."
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you been seeing me for years. There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet, and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the Change."
Urban Kooky Collective
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff.
Boom Boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
One was a salted
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."
Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two elephants walk off a cliff.
Boom Boom!
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"
Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"
Don't argue the toss
Bri goes to the optometrist.
The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Oh my God, Doc, why?" asked Bri. "Am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're sure upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
The Doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!"
"Oh my God, Doc, why?" asked Bri. "Am I going blind?"
"No," the Doctor explained, "but you're sure upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
Reaped Too Soon
On this day, in 1997, the man my Demon Spouse assures me was a "Sex God" had an accident with his belt in a hotel room.
Whether the adventurous Michael Hutchence was getting his kicks via oxygen starvation (as his soon to be reaped other half claimed) or whether he was suicidal as the coroner claimed (how does one locate depression post mortem? "Aha, I knew if I moved this rib out more and removed the heart, I'd find a depression."), a true rocker reluctantly departed for parties new.
Finally giving Australia a worthy successor to the title "Rock Band" (as pop-like as they appeared on recordings), they steam-rollered their way into the charts with hits such as the instantly catchy Need you Tonight and Devil Inside, to the anthemic Never Tear Us Apart, sold a few records, made a few bucks, lost their singer, borrowed another former eighties also ran, got rid of him, and then went all reality TV on our asses by recruiting their latest lead man ("I'm their biggest fan - it's a dream come true" ,etc) via the medium of a TV contest.
When Michael departed, so too perhaps did credibility.
Let's raise a glass for Michael - he sh*gged Kylie you know!
Whether the adventurous Michael Hutchence was getting his kicks via oxygen starvation (as his soon to be reaped other half claimed) or whether he was suicidal as the coroner claimed (how does one locate depression post mortem? "Aha, I knew if I moved this rib out more and removed the heart, I'd find a depression."), a true rocker reluctantly departed for parties new.
Finally giving Australia a worthy successor to the title "Rock Band" (as pop-like as they appeared on recordings), they steam-rollered their way into the charts with hits such as the instantly catchy Need you Tonight and Devil Inside, to the anthemic Never Tear Us Apart, sold a few records, made a few bucks, lost their singer, borrowed another former eighties also ran, got rid of him, and then went all reality TV on our asses by recruiting their latest lead man ("I'm their biggest fan - it's a dream come true" ,etc) via the medium of a TV contest.
When Michael departed, so too perhaps did credibility.
Let's raise a glass for Michael - he sh*gged Kylie you know!
17 Nov 2005
When Domain names go bad...
Seven sites for sore eyes - web site names that should have been reconsidered.
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk
7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com
2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com
3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net
4) Need a therapist?
http://www.therapistfinder.com
5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com
6) Gas central heating anyone?
http://www.gasheating.co.uk
7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-line with Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com
9 Nov 2005
Lui returns from the hinterlands...
After 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness and virons of Spam, I crawled slowly back to the excruciating molten morass that is the Big B's holiday chateau. Tired but happy, as such great adventures I have had - tales of fabled Free Golf Clubs I may share, and words caught on the whispering wind of sacred Carpet Cleaning Services I also bring. Allow a short time to re-blister my skin, trim my fetlocks and rework my horns and I'll be ready to share the wisdoms and foreign truths I have discovered... oh, yeah, the humour will be back too.
See you in a jiffy.
See you in a jiffy.
30 Sept 2005
Socratic Oaf
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not." Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter-the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not." Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter-the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
Double D
A pregnant woman from Washington DC is involved in a car accident and falls into a coma.
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Employee Performance Quotes
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Some Bush Porkies
President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
Seven Quickies Coming Hard & Fast.
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
Sin, Agog
The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
Grizzly Warning
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to "wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly."
They also advise you to "carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."
They advise golfers to "wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly."
They also advise you to "carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."
Yet More Dangerfieldisms
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
Lui's Guide To Zen
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Some More Cuts From The Fringe
I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go.
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand
Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand
Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
Cuniculus & Herpetologus
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be someone in Senior Management".
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be someone in Senior Management".
More Greasy Kids Stuff
Allegedly actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, USA. I for one have my doubts, as they ain't as smart as this...
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who All wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarahis such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but The commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who All wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarahis such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but The commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
Dark Matter
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Bush On Thin Ice
It seems that the 2004 election was too close to call so Bush and Kerry were sent to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice-fishing contest.
No one was allowed to accompany them, and the guy who caught the most fish in five days would be declared president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with 10 fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day Kerry caught 20 fish and again W came back empty handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.
At the end of day four Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
No one was allowed to accompany them, and the guy who caught the most fish in five days would be declared president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with 10 fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day Kerry caught 20 fish and again W came back empty handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.
At the end of day four Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
Wasser Matter?
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock of sheep one day when he saw a man drinking with cupped hands from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.
Realising the danger he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulder at the farmer and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him the farmer moved closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr!"
Still the Walker couldn't hear the farmer, finally the farmer walked up to the man at the stream and said again,
"Dwr yn ych-y-fi, Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr, Dim drinkio"
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy" said the walker in a fine English accent.
"Oh I see" said the farmer, "I was saying if you use both hands you can drink more."
Realising the danger he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulder at the farmer and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him the farmer moved closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr!"
Still the Walker couldn't hear the farmer, finally the farmer walked up to the man at the stream and said again,
"Dwr yn ych-y-fi, Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr, Dim drinkio"
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy" said the walker in a fine English accent.
"Oh I see" said the farmer, "I was saying if you use both hands you can drink more."
The Penguins Score
A man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car.
A Bobby* pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off.
The next day the same man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car again.
The same Bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those Penguins to the zoo!", the Bobby said.
The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Bobby = Policeman. How Quaint.
A Bobby* pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off.
The next day the same man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car again.
The same Bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those Penguins to the zoo!", the Bobby said.
The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Bobby = Policeman. How Quaint.
Some Comic Genius Courtesy of Chic Murray
Approached by a stranger on a visit to London was asked "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, he lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, he lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
Fluent Cockney in Seconds.
Alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item.
Amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend").
Assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day").
Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?").
Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger.
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff").
Eye-eels - Women's shoes.
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
Garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper").
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island.
Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik").
Oi Oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
Paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport.
Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig").
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday.
Tan - The city of London, the big smoke.
Webbats - Querying the location, something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on).
Amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend").
Assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day").
Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?").
Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger.
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff").
Eye-eels - Women's shoes.
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
Garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper").
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island.
Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik").
Oi Oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
Paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport.
Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig").
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday.
Tan - The city of London, the big smoke.
Webbats - Querying the location, something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on).
By George
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks
"How many is a Brazillion?"
"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks
"How many is a Brazillion?"
29 Sept 2005
Spiked Commentary Gets To The Point
For those not in the know, Sid Waddell is a British Darts Commentator. Enjoy some of his cringe encrusted gems here.
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
This Just In...
Some of my favourite news headlines, all gleaned from local newspapers in the good ol' US of A. Yee-ha.
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
11 Pristine Peter Kay Posers
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
10. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
11. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
10. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
11. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
13 Peter Kay Pearls of Wisdom
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
Greek Yearn
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
One Hell Of A Schmuck...
A Scot is drinking in an English bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Scots father takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Scots father takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
Purty Gud Ekscuse
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. Spellings have been left intact. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Ridicule is at full volume.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the parenthesis]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the parenthesis]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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