Some More Cuts From The Fringe

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go.
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34


Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand

I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand