"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
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