In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not." Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter-the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really ..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.
30 Sept 2005
Double D
A pregnant woman from Washington DC is involved in a car accident and falls into a coma.
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
When she wakes up, she sees she's no longer pregnant and asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
Employee Performance Quotes
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it altogether."
11. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
13. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
14. "He's been working with glue too much."
15. "He would argue with a signpost."
16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
17. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
19. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
20. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
21. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
23. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
27. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
28. "One neuron short of a synapse."
29. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
30. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-minutes'."
31. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
Some Bush Porkies
President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Cheney, and I got one for Defence Secretary Rumsfeld."
The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
Seven Quickies Coming Hard & Fast.
Scientist today exhumed Beethoven from his grave, when they opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was de-composing
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View
What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
You can drop her off anywhere.
What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What should a woman say to a man she's just had sex with?
Whatever she wants - he's sleeping.
How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
It isn't hard.
How do you know you're really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they're humping your leg.
Sin, Agog
The Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick like you."
Grizzly Warning
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to "wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly."
They also advise you to "carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."
They advise golfers to "wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly."
They also advise you to "carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.
Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.
Black bear droppings are small and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray."
Yet More Dangerfieldisms
"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window."
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender."
"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
"My wife was afraid of the dark...then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap....He was in the electric chair."
"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself."
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out."
"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."
"My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend."
"My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it."
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
Lui's Guide To Zen
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just f--- off and leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
Some More Cuts From The Fringe
I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars. He's really let himself go.
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand
Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
- Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
- Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon
They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
- Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
- Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
- Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance
I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
- Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand
Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
- Seymour Mace at Café Royal
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed at C34
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
- Colin Ramone at The Stand
I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
- Nice Mum, at the Underbelly
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
Cuniculus & Herpetologus
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be someone in Senior Management".
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be someone in Senior Management".
More Greasy Kids Stuff
Allegedly actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, USA. I for one have my doubts, as they ain't as smart as this...
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who All wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarahis such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but The commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who All wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarahis such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but The commandos made it.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess."
Dark Matter
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society.
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
"In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Bush On Thin Ice
It seems that the 2004 election was too close to call so Bush and Kerry were sent to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice-fishing contest.
No one was allowed to accompany them, and the guy who caught the most fish in five days would be declared president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with 10 fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day Kerry caught 20 fish and again W came back empty handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.
At the end of day four Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
No one was allowed to accompany them, and the guy who caught the most fish in five days would be declared president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Kerry came back with 10 fish. Bush caught none.
On the second day Kerry caught 20 fish and again W came back empty handed.
When Kerry brought back 25 fish on day three and W still hadn't caught any, Bush got worried and telephoned Cheney for advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested the VP.
"I hadn't thought of that," said W. "You're probably right. What do we do?"
Cheney suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Bush follow Kerry to see what he was doing.
At the end of day four Bush called Cheney and told him, "You were right, Dick, the bastard is cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Cheney.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
Wasser Matter?
A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock of sheep one day when he saw a man drinking with cupped hands from the stream which ran down from one of his fields.
Realising the danger he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulder at the farmer and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him the farmer moved closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr!"
Still the Walker couldn't hear the farmer, finally the farmer walked up to the man at the stream and said again,
"Dwr yn ych-y-fi, Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr, Dim drinkio"
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy" said the walker in a fine English accent.
"Oh I see" said the farmer, "I was saying if you use both hands you can drink more."
Realising the danger he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed yr dwr! Mae'n uch-y-fi!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear, shrugged his shoulder at the farmer and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him the farmer moved closer.
"Paid fachgen! Dwr ych-y-fi Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr!"
Still the Walker couldn't hear the farmer, finally the farmer walked up to the man at the stream and said again,
"Dwr yn ych-y-fi, Sheep Crappoio yn y dwr, Dim drinkio"
"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I can't understand a word you say dear boy" said the walker in a fine English accent.
"Oh I see" said the farmer, "I was saying if you use both hands you can drink more."
The Penguins Score
A man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car.
A Bobby* pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off.
The next day the same man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car again.
The same Bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those Penguins to the zoo!", the Bobby said.
The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Bobby = Policeman. How Quaint.
A Bobby* pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo."
The man agreed and drove off.
The next day the same man was driving down the road with twenty Penguins in the back of his car again.
The same Bobby pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those Penguins to the zoo!", the Bobby said.
The man answered, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."
Bobby = Policeman. How Quaint.
Some Comic Genius Courtesy of Chic Murray
Approached by a stranger on a visit to London was asked "Do you know the Battersea dog's home?". He replied, "I didn't even know it was away."
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, he lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
When staying at a Rothesay hotel, there were the usual toast and marmalade (in little round pots) on the breakfast table in the morning. When the landlady came into the room, he lifted a tiny pot of honey and said "I see you keep a bee!"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I made a stupid mistake last week. Come to think of it, did you ever hear of someone making a clever mistake?
So I gave him a wave. Actually, it was more of a half wave, because I only half know him.
What use is happiness? It can't buy you money.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I had a tragic childhood. My parents never understood me. They were Japanese.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
If it weren't for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.
Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.
The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Get into yourself to get yourself out of your self. Then try to lose yourself.
I drew a gun. He drew a gun. I drew another gun. Soon we were surrounded by lovely drawings of guns.
We've got stained glass windows in our house. It's those damned pigeons.
You know what they say about stamp collecting. Philately will get you nowhere.
There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lbs of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
My girlfriends a redhead, no hair, just a red head.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling. The rest I spend foolishly.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat for a pet I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.
I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.
We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements. It was all the wolf could do to keep us away from his door. A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches- two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them. There were so many holes in my socks I could put them on seventeen different ways.
She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. "Is it Scotch?", I asked. "Why?" the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?". "In that case, have you got any wild duck?". "No", he responded, "but I've got one I could aggravate for you".
I rang the bell of this small bed-and breakfast place, whereupon a lady appeared at an outside window. "What do you want?", she asked. "I want to stay here", I replied. "Well, stay there then", she said and closed the window.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
Fluent Cockney in Seconds.
Alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item.
Amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend").
Assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day").
Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?").
Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger.
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff").
Eye-eels - Women's shoes.
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
Garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper").
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island.
Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik").
Oi Oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
Paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport.
Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig").
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday.
Tan - The city of London, the big smoke.
Webbats - Querying the location, something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on).
Amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend").
Assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
Awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day").
Branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?").
Cort a panda - A rather large hamburger.
Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff").
Eye-eels - Women's shoes.
Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.
Garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper").
Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island.
Lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik").
Oi Oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.
Paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport.
Reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig").
Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday.
Tan - The city of London, the big smoke.
Webbats - Querying the location, something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on).
By George
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"
"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks
"How many is a Brazillion?"
"Oh no!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks
"How many is a Brazillion?"
29 Sept 2005
Spiked Commentary Gets To The Point
For those not in the know, Sid Waddell is a British Darts Commentator. Enjoy some of his cringe encrusted gems here.
"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus."
"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."
"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home."
"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!"
"He's playing out of his pie crust."
"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength."
"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba the Hutt"
"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another leg."
"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me back my banana!"
On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"
"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld."
"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any better than this."
"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his steak."
"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a chimpanzees tea party!"
"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a pea-shooter!"
"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame."
"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for drama."
"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out."
"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions."
"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!"
"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!"
"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of inter-continental ballistic missiles."
"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!"
This Just In...
Some of my favourite news headlines, all gleaned from local newspapers in the good ol' US of A. Yee-ha.
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
11 Pristine Peter Kay Posers
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
10. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
11. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
10. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
11. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
13 Peter Kay Pearls of Wisdom
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) S*x is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
Greek Yearn
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
One Hell Of A Schmuck...
A Scot is drinking in an English bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Scots father takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Scot just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Scottish baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Scot returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Scottish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Scots father takes a slow swig from his Orkney Dark Isle Real Ale wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".
Purty Gud Ekscuse
These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi School District. Spellings have been left intact. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. Ridicule is at full volume.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the parenthesis]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was kicked in the growing.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the shits. [Words were crossed out in the parenthesis]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
28 Sept 2005
Ever Decreasing Circles.
Whilst sitting at your desk/dashboard/pew/leisure, make clockwise circles with your right foot. Go on, do it... now.
Whilst doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Seriously, your right hand.
In which direction is your foot going now?
Whilst doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Seriously, your right hand.
In which direction is your foot going now?
Tidy Golfer
An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some dainties".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"?
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies.
"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me".
"For the sake of decency" he says, ",here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit".
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some dainties".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Bejasus woman. You've no knickers - why not"?
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any".
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is also wearing no undies.
"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me".
"For the sake of decency" he says, ",here's a comb, tidy yourself up a bit".
Seein' Dublin
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks,"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious the first asks: "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, Me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course"
The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62"
"This is becoming unbelievable!" they say in union.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender.
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
Strewth Muriel, Stereotypes Are Fair Dinkum but...
Authentic Australian Dialect For Any Region
I’M HUNGRY
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'M THIRSTY
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nun’s nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snake’s hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I NEED TO DO A POO
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage."
"I gotta lay some cables for Telstra."
VOMIT
"Calling for George.”
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
YES
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
"Bloody oath!"
"No wucking furries."
NO
"Pig's arse!!"
"Get Fucked!"
INSULTS
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She’s had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
MORE INSULTS
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she’s as rough as a pig’s breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted Ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deckchairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"You got a head like a busted watermelon."
COMPLIMENTS
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"
ASSORTED
"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)
I’M HUNGRY
"I could eat the crotch out of a dead leper's undies."
"I could eat the horse and chase the jockey."
"So hungry I'd eat a shit sandwich, only I don't like bread."
"I could eat the arse out of a rag doll through a cane chair."
"So hungry I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck."
I'M THIRSTY
"I'm dry as a dead dingo's donger."
"I'm drier than a nun’s nasty."
"I'm dry as a fuck with no foreplay."
"I'm as dry as a pommie's bath mat."
"I'm as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards."
"I'm drier than an Arab's fart."
I NEED TO GO FOR A PEE
"Gonna drain me dragon."
"My back teeth are floating."
"Need to syphon the python."
"Takin' the kids to the pool."
"I got to take a snake’s hiss."
"Gotta go have a slash."
"Gonna go water a horse."
"I'm off to drain the main vein."
"Time to splatter the bladder."
"I'm dying for a piss so bad I can taste it."
"Shake hands with the wife's best friend."
I NEED TO DO A POO
"I gotta go give birth to a Kiwi."
"I'm takin' a stroll to the gravy bowl."
"It was like giving birth to Kim Beasly."
"Off to the bog to leave an offering."
"Time to snap off a grogan."
"Have to hang a brown bear in the porcelain cave."
"I'm gonna strangle a brownie."
"There's a brown dog barking at the back door."
"I'm going to give birth to your twin."
"Need to choke a brown dog."
"I've freed Nelson Mandela."
"Going for a Rodney."
"Taking out the garbage."
"I gotta back one out."
"Release the Chocolate hostage."
"I gotta lay some cables for Telstra."
VOMIT
"Calling for George.”
"I was driving the porcelain bus this morning."
"I left him a lawn pizza."
"Toss a tiger on the carpet."
YES
"Does a fat dog fart?"
"Even Blind Freddy could see it."
"Is the Pope a Catholic?"
"Does a Koala shit in a gum tree and wipe his ass on a Cockatoo?"
"Does the Pope tuck his shirt in with a wooden spoon?"
"Bloody oath!"
"No wucking furries."
NO
"Pig's arse!!"
"Get Fucked!"
INSULTS
"I hope your ears turn into arseholes and shit on your shoulders."
"Not enough brains to give 'imself a headache!"
"About as useful as tits on a bull."
"You must be the world's only living brain donor."
"He's a few wanks short of an orgasm."
"She’s had more pricks than a second hand dartboard."
"He had a head on him like a sucked mango."
"May your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down."
"He's got a few roos loose in the top paddock."
"So stupid that he wouldn't know a tram was up him 'til the bell rang!"
"Couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery."
"Pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"As ugly as a bucket full of arseholes."
"If I had a dog that looked like him, I'd shave it's arse and make it walk backwards."
"Got a face like a bashed in shit can."
"Couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground."
"Couldn't drive a greasy stick up a dog's arse."
"Couldn't organise a fuck in a brothel with a fist full of fifties."
"About as useful as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking competition."
"I'll kick your bum till your nose bleeds!"
"A stubbie short of a six pack."
"Seen better heads in a piss trough."
"You're as handy as shit on a stick."
MORE INSULTS
"Tighter than a fish's arse."
"So tight that he wouldn't shout if a shark bit him."
"Face like a smashed crab."
"As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."
"He could talk a dog off a meatwagon."
"Fucked in the head."
"You've got a head like a half-eaten pastie."
"He wouldn't go two rounds with a revolving door."
"Mate, she’s as rough as a pig’s breakfast."
"Your face is like a twisted Ugg boot."
"He's got a face like a cat licking shit off a thistle."
"She's been hit with the fugley stick too many times."
"She's two pick handles wide."
"An arse like two pigs fighting in a sugar bag."
"As ugly as a bag of spanners."
"You've got a head like a dropped pie."
"He thinks his shit don' stink, but his farts give him away."
"I wish his dad had settled for a blow job."
"Fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
"If I had a head like yours I'd circumcise it."
"Wouldn't know if someone was up him sideways with an armful of deckchairs."
"As thick as two short planks!"
"You got a head like a busted watermelon."
COMPLIMENTS
"Ya bloods worth bottling!"
"He's True Blue."
"I'd be up her like a rat up a drain pipe."
"A better man never stood in two shoes!"
ASSORTED
"Drilling for Vegemite." (Anal sex)
"I'll have a super." (I'll have a beer)
"Make mine an unleaded." (I'll have a light beer)
"Going off like a frog in a sock." (try to picture this one)
Meaty Wager
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said: "I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf."
"I'm not gambling," I said. "The steaks are too high."
"I'm not gambling," I said. "The steaks are too high."
Rose, Perfectly.
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor.
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man.
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man.
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"
Driving Winds
It was the middle of a very dark and stormy Irish night, a guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking. As the night rolled on, cars were scarce,and no lights lined the street. The storm was so strong he could barely see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray,begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror,the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch,rolls
out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.
Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar,asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went hrough. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in
amazement one says to the other:
"Look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got in the car when we were pushing it!"
Suddenly in the distance he saw the head lights of a car coming towards him and without any reason it slowed to a stand still beside him. Without hesitation, the guy hurriedly gets into the car and closes the door only to realize there is no one sitting behind the wheel. All of a sudden the car begins to move, the guy looks at the road ahead and notices a sharp curve coming his way.
Scared, he starts to pray,begging for his life. Still in shock, but just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel. Paralysed with terror,the guy watches how the hand appears every time they approach a curve. Gathering all the strength he has, the guy grabs the door latch,rolls
out onto the pavement and runs as fast as he can to the nearest town.
Dripping wet and in shock the guy runs into a crowded local bar,asks for two shots of whisky and begins to tell everybody about the horrible experience he just went hrough. Everyone is glued in silence and amazement as they notice the guy shaking, crying but clearly not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walk into the same bar and in
amazement one says to the other:
"Look Mick, that's the as*h*le that got in the car when we were pushing it!"
26 Sept 2005
Not The Pushy Type
A couple were asleep in bed when the loud ringing of the doorbell disturbed their sleep. The man jumps out of bed and rushes to open the front door to be met with a rather drunk man.
"Can ye give me a push pal?" says the man.
"It's three in the morning and I have to be up at six for my work, away you go." said the sleep deprived man as he slammed the door closed and headed back to bed.
"Who was it" asked his wife,
As he explained, she interrupted him: "You were a bit heartless, remember last year when you worked late and your car broke down, you had to knock on a stranger's door for help at four o'clock in the morning and ask for help."
"I suppose you're right, and I will never get back to sleep now anyway."
He gets up, dresses, heads downstairs and opening the front door he peers into the pitch darkness.
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes, I'm still here."
"Where are you, do you still need a push?"
"Yes I do still need a push."
"Its so dark I cant see you, where are you?"
"Over here."
"Where?"
"Over here... on the swing."
"Can ye give me a push pal?" says the man.
"It's three in the morning and I have to be up at six for my work, away you go." said the sleep deprived man as he slammed the door closed and headed back to bed.
"Who was it" asked his wife,
As he explained, she interrupted him: "You were a bit heartless, remember last year when you worked late and your car broke down, you had to knock on a stranger's door for help at four o'clock in the morning and ask for help."
"I suppose you're right, and I will never get back to sleep now anyway."
He gets up, dresses, heads downstairs and opening the front door he peers into the pitch darkness.
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes, I'm still here."
"Where are you, do you still need a push?"
"Yes I do still need a push."
"Its so dark I cant see you, where are you?"
"Over here."
"Where?"
"Over here... on the swing."
Europeeing Legislation
Please take note of the following legislation which will affect many:
EU Directive 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2005. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating".
EU Directive 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2005. From this date, the correct terminology will be "Euronating".
Don't Argue The Toss...
A man walks into his Son's room and says "Son, if you keep masturbating, you'll go blind."
The Son said "Dad, I'm over here..."
The Son said "Dad, I'm over here..."
Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is only slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is only slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.
Top Life Tips
Don't waste money on expensive IPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Cinema-goers - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
Rappers - Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Soldiers - Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Murderers - Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
Burglars - When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Employers - Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Men - When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Gamblers - For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Blind People - Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
Drivers - If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Car Thieves - Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Depressed People - Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Motorists - Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
Jeremy Beadle - When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Single Men - Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
Alcoholics - Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDonald's - Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Cinema-goers - Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
Rappers - Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
Don't waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
Soldiers - Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
Murderers - Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
Burglars - When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
Employers - Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
Men - When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Gamblers - For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
Blind People - Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
Alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
Drivers - If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
Car Thieves - Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
Depressed People - Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
Motorists - Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
Jeremy Beadle - When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.
Single Men - Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
Alcoholics - Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDonald's - Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
20 Sept 2005
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
What do you call a woman who can balance 4 pints of beer on her head?
Beatrix.
Beatrix.
Leaf it out...
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: "Is it serious, doctor?"
The doctor replies: "I'm sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
Famous Last Words
"I'll get a world record for this."
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
"Let me just reach in and get your watch out of the printing press."
"Gee, that's a cute tatoo."
"It's fireproof."
"He's probably just hibernating."
"What does this button do?"
"I'm making a Citizen's Arrest."
"So.... you're a cannibal aye?"
"It's probably just a rash."
"Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?"
"Are you sure the power's off?"
"The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!"
"Pull the pin and count to what?"
"Which wire am I supposed to cut?"
"Don't worry I saw this done on TV."
"These are the good kind of mushrooms."
" I'll hold it and you light the fuse."
"If at first you don't suceed, then skydiving is not for you!"
Thirsty?
Water:
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the No. 1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Coke:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
And For Your Information and Delectation:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.
1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population)
2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
5. Lack of water, the No. 1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Coke:
1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.
8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
And For Your Information and Delectation:
1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.
Man, I feel like a woman...
15 Easy Steps To Crap Like A Woman
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused while waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the bowl by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused while waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the bowl by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the bowl to prevent splash back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the bowl. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
Easy PC
How To Speak To Women And Be Politically Correct:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
How To Speak To Men And Be Politically Correct:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
How To Speak To Men And Be Politically Correct:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ARSE - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Little Myth
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you f*ck off, I'm trying to shit!
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you f*ck off, I'm trying to shit!
Heart Wasn't In It...
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsburys. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the quid as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Sainsburys. There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT SAINSBURY'S."
18 Sept 2005
Reaped Too Soon
The coolest Rock Guitar God with the mis-spelled name, Jimi Hendrix will probably be best remembered for his incendiary Woodstock Show ("Stay away from the brown liqorice, I mean acid, man) rather than his hot licks in the aptly named track 'Fire'.
Jimi didn't have the coolest Rock Guitar God death though, simply choosing to extend his forty winks after taking sleeping pills at a party. Not the burning car wreck, or screaming plane across the sky for Jimi, but a quiet Coda as he slumbered on his big Afro-sized pillow.
The only guitarist I know to name an album after his favourite Mexican/Haiti fusion dish, Voodoo Chile, we could have done with him being around to croon some other culinary marvels to us for a bit longer.
Jimi Hendrix 27 November 1942 - 18 September 1970
Jimi didn't have the coolest Rock Guitar God death though, simply choosing to extend his forty winks after taking sleeping pills at a party. Not the burning car wreck, or screaming plane across the sky for Jimi, but a quiet Coda as he slumbered on his big Afro-sized pillow.
The only guitarist I know to name an album after his favourite Mexican/Haiti fusion dish, Voodoo Chile, we could have done with him being around to croon some other culinary marvels to us for a bit longer.
Jimi Hendrix 27 November 1942 - 18 September 1970
Espresso Love
An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked out."
A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.
"Oh, faith and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was terrible!"
"What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked out."
A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went.
"Oh, faith and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was terrible!"
"What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
Ancient Erection
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but a-ha! You guessed it. Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action." And once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris".
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?"
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised Lou Anne consents for more coupling.
When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but a-ha! You guessed it. Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action." And once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris set to leave again, his young bride says to him: "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris".
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
"You mean I was here already?"
Scotland Vs Brazil - 2006
It's 2006 and it's just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1(Angus McShite 89minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1(Angus McShite 89minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"
16 Sept 2005
Reaped Too Soon
On this sad day in 1977, Marc Bolan uttered his last words "Bloody woman drivers", shuffled off this mortal coil, and went on to a fantastic career... well, you'll ALL find out about that later.
Let us bow our heads and for a moment dwell on his thought provoking lyrics. Lyrics such as "Well you can bump and grind, And it's good for your mind", "Get it on, Bang A Gong, Get it on." and "Metal Guru is it you, Metal Guru is it you, Sitting there in your armour plated chair."
Deep man, Deep.
Let him be known as one of the many who were "Reaped Too Soon".
Marc Bolan 30 Sept 1947 - 16 Sept 1977
Let us bow our heads and for a moment dwell on his thought provoking lyrics. Lyrics such as "Well you can bump and grind, And it's good for your mind", "Get it on, Bang A Gong, Get it on." and "Metal Guru is it you, Metal Guru is it you, Sitting there in your armour plated chair."
Deep man, Deep.
Let him be known as one of the many who were "Reaped Too Soon".
Marc Bolan 30 Sept 1947 - 16 Sept 1977
15 Sept 2005
Lone Ranger in Danger with Indian Stranger.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Buffalo Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"READ MY LIPS. I said, BRING POSSE".
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:
"READ MY LIPS. I said, BRING POSSE".
Strip Trip Quip
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin"?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave." He's on my darts team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a pint.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you pulled a right mouthy slag this week, Dave."
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave." He's on my darts team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a pint.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you pulled a right mouthy slag this week, Dave."
Hod on for dear life.
This is a bricklayer's accident actual (verbatim) report which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. Had this bloke died, he'd have received a Darwin Award without question.
"Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."
"Dear Sir
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry."
Who Killed Bambi?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the deer meat for supper. However, he knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he decides not to tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams:
"Don't eat it Jimmy!. It's a f*cking arsehole!"
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams:
"Don't eat it Jimmy!. It's a f*cking arsehole!"
Irish, GSOH
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8:00 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8:00 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
International Rules For Manliness
01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella, unless at the footy, and your pies are getting wet, then for the eating period only it is permissible.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-box. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When she is using her teeth.
03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
05: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW) and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours except if she's withholding s*x pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have had drunken s*x, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an X-box. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
Stevie's Head's Nippon...
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability.
Stevie says to him from the stage "Ok smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability.
Stevie says to him from the stage "Ok smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you..."
Blood On TheTracks
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno," shrugged the man. "I never found the head."
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno," shrugged the man. "I never found the head."
Things My Demon Offspring Has Taught Me...
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroom house about 4 inches deep.
2 If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates/blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on. Using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
2 If you spray hair spray on a nylon duster and then run over it with roller skates/blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. You should not throw balls up when the ceiling fan is on. Using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can then hit a ball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a ball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain bits of Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15. VCR's do not eject toasted sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving and are very expensive to remove.
18. You probably do not want to know what that smell really is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The average response time for the fire brigade is about 20 minutes.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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