Urban Kooky Collective

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted


A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."


A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation".
"What?" says the woman.
The man says "I've just come in my pants."


Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.


Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"


A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."


Answer phone message "....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."


Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"


Two elephants walk off a cliff.
Boom Boom!


Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.


A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A man walks into doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."


Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh


Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"


Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"