Dangerfieldisms

"I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't a boy I'd have had nothing to play with."

" A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over; nobody's home.' I went over. Nobody was home."

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

"One day I came home early from work. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said 'Because you came home early.'"

"It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

"I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up."

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio."

"I was such an ugly baby. My Mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend."

"I'm so ugly. My Father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"When I was born, the Doctor came into the waiting room and said to my Father, 'I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.'"