1. During an important meeting , swing your chair around to face the window, prop your feet up on the window-sill, lean back in your chair with your hands behind your head, proclaiming: "Man I love this dirty town"
2. Put up badly cut out magazine pictures around your workstation of either David Hasselhoff or Vanessa Phelps, claiming it is your husband/wife
3. Give you P.C. a name and on entering work ask it in a soppy voice if it missed Mummy/Daddy
4. Hang a dog's lead on your coat stand and place a bowl of water in the corner of your office.
5. Scream in terror everytime your phone rings
6. Or... stare in an alarmed fashion at your phone when it rings, then after two or three rings start howling
7. Announce to everyone you are taking a break, get under your desk and hold a whispered conversation into your phone.
8. Email everyone in the office your day's plan, including wee breaks, number two breaks, the diversion you will be taking after lunch to eye up the bit of fluff in the Finance dept.
9. When on a conference call, at the end of all your comments say "Llleech, over" When the call comes to an end, tell everyone to "Be careful out there"
10. When your boss comes over to point out a mistake you have made, stick your fingers in your ears singing "La la la la"
11. Every now and then stand up and shout loudly: "That was me, sorry everyone"
12. Sit frozen in your chair, staring in alarm at your pc. When someone asks if your okay, tell them it just winked at you.
13. Drop flyers on everyone's desk, asking if they'd like a sleepover at yours.
14. Tell everyone it's your Birthday today, then tell them again tomorrow and so on for at least a week
15. Advertise your bosses brand new car on the notice board for about £200, adding his name and mobile number
16. When your answer your phone, pretend to be your answer phone saying loudly: I'm sorry I am not at my desk at the moment, however my boss is at his/hers and appears to be doing very little, bother him/her
17. Every time you get an email, clap delightedly. Telling everyone you love getting mail
18. After you've opened your email, gasp and stand up pulling your jacket open to shield your screen and keep glancing over your shoulder as you read it.
19. Include sound effects in your emails, Thus:
Hello Jack,
There will be a meeting next.... "ring ring" sorry excuse me, that's my phone. Sorry about that, I hung up. Anyway as I was saying the meeting will be...."Pharrrrpp!" Ooh, excuse me, how embarrasing, sorry, um right, yes the meeting will be...."AHHHHHHHHHHH CHOOOO" Bless me, I'm so sorry, oh I tell you what, I'll give you a ring.
20. Bring a child's trike into work and 'park' it by your desk.
21. Take visitors on a tour of the office, pointing out chairs, photocopiers, fax machines, the toilets, your boss (pulling a face and holding your nose).
22. Anytime anyone goes to use the photocopy run over screaming "I was on that"
23. On dress down days come in wearing dungarees, a check flannel shirt, stick an axe in your belt.
24. Open your lunch box at your desk, sigh heavily and ask if anyone likes horse/dog/peacock sandwiches.
25. When a colleague asks you to proof read a document, mark it in big red crosses and give them an F grade, adding a comment "Could do better"
26. Ring a colleague who is sitting on the next desk and whisper "When I give the command, we are going over the top" and hang up quickly
27. Ring your HR department and ask whether or not you could be fired if you stabbed your boss in the back of the neck with a broken bottle. When they confirm you would, yell s**t and hang up.
28. Slam your palm on the desk, and when everyone looks up, peer under your hand and ask 'What do vampire bats look like?'
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