Slipped Away

Before he died, my Grandma rubbed my Grandad's back with lard.


He went downhill fast after that.

News Breaking, Wind Of

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

After being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labeled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Geriantic

An 85 year old man went to his Doctor's office to get a sperm count. The Doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the Doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The Doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help.She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,"Yep."



"And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

In-Can-Descent

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. However as 5th November was approaching, he should buy the biggest exploding firework he could find, light it, put it in a beer can, hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how puttin' a banger in a beer can next to me ear is gonna help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

The man went out bought the biggest exploding firework he could find and took it home. As the doctor had instructed, he lit the blue touch paper and put it in a beer can. He then held it up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."

...at which point he paused, and so he could continue counting on his other hand, placed the beer can between his legs.

Animal in bed

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go".

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:



"Dave, you're a vet".

How much does a Grecian Earn?

A young Greek man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"



The Greek mother replies "I don't like her."

Lost Prophets

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, "Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?"

"Right here at your side, my love."

"And my son, Moishe...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my daughter, Mitsy...where is she?"

"Right here at your side, papa."

"And my son, Abraham...where is he?"

"Right here at your side, papa."


"What, none of you assholes is minding the store?"

Calm Down, Calm Down.

A Liverpudlian walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said

"Hi, I'm lookin' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur for his daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and as least once a year you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holiday. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

The scouser said "Nah, you're bullshitting me!"


The man behind the counter said "Well you fuck*ng started it!"

Unsavoury Ailment

A man walks into the doctors.

Doc: "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man: "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc: "What?"

Man: "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc: "Umm... I'll have to look that up. It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man: "Not really"

Doc: "What about stress at work?"

Man: "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc: "That sounds very stressful."

Man: "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc: "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man: "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc: "That sounds stressful."

Man: "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc: "Umm... what about your social life?"

Man: "Social life? I don't really have one."

Doc: "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"


Man: "Watch porn and eat Wotsits".

Just Pokin' Fun

An Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

The Medic asks her "What's your name love?"

"Sharon" she replies.

The Medic says "OK Sharon, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

"Ok," says she.

The Medic then asks "Ok, then how many fingers am I putting up."


Sharon screams "Oh my god - I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

Man Handled

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right? I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside and began to massage him.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"


To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Cunning Lingo

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say,"Emma come a first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come a once a more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tella my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'

Woodyisms

"It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies."


"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things."


"Eighty percent of success is showing up."


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."


"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."


"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best."


"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."


"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?


"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better. While the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."


"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."


"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

Nightmare Number 3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny.With an air of confidence, he cockily leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her,

"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it."


"But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom."

Nightmare Number 2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "What should I do? I know..."

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs.

He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!", pointing at the bedroom.


"You'll wake your mother."

Nightmare Number 1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.


Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Shouting, Lager Lager Lager

Tony comes home from an exhausting day at work, throws himself down on the couch in front of the television, telling his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

His long-suffering wife sighs and fetches him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, Tony yells out, "Hey, get me another beer before it starts."
His wife gives him an angry look, but gets him another beer anyway, and slams it down on the table next to him.

He quickly finishes that beer and yells,"Quick, get me another beer! It's going to start any minute!"

Well, now his wife has had enough. She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Swill beer and sit on your behind in front of the TV? You're just a lazy, drunken slob!"


Tony sighs and leans back into the couch. "It's started."

This is a dickie situation...

The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of his ten chickens (plus one cock rooster) he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse.

One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"


And all the choir boys stood up.

Quickie For The Bush

President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant.

Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad.

Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"

The waitress was horrified.
"Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was."

As she marches off in a huff, Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."

Steve Wrightisms - 03

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Everyone has a photographic memory, but some just don't have film.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

24 hours in a day.... 24 beers in a case...coincidence?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.