Irish Trio

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a wee bit too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some roadside damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they saw a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that, Darby!" said Paddy, "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"
They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that, Darby?", Paddy asked the other in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
A little while later they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking
around to see if any one was watching, and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Paddy, removing his cap.
"One of the poor girls musta died."